Author Topic: Joke Thread - post them here  (Read 95282 times)

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Offline OS

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Joke Thread - post them here
« on: February 21, 2008, 09:35:56 AM »
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later he r son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Offline FV

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2008, 09:47:16 AM »
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."

So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee, I don't know... do you think he'll remember us?"

Proud member of the P.P.A. since 2008.

Offline shadow613

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2008, 06:41:46 AM »
Here's the shortest joke I know...

A guy walks into a bar......"Ouch"!    :giggles:

Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2008, 09:03:19 AM »
Here's the shortest joke I know...

A guy walks into a bar......"Ouch"!    :giggles:

Know what's sad?  I used to date a very intelligent girl a few years ago, one day we were shooting jokes back and forth, I passed that one on to her, she kept asking "what's in the bar?"  I never laughed so hard.

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2008, 09:38:24 AM »
Know what's sad? I used to date a very intelligent girl a few years ago, one day we were shooting jokes back and forth, I passed that one on to her, she kept asking "what's in the bar?" I never laughed so hard.

My husband is part Polish and when we were dating, he use to jump in front of me and say, "Watch out for that pole."   UGH and yet I still married him. 

 :shake:

Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2008, 09:51:43 AM »
My husband is part Polish and when we were dating, he use to jump in front of me and say, "Watch out for that pole."   UGH and yet I still married him. 

 :shake:

At least I got out of my relationship. For you, I'm afraid you didn't see what was right in front of your nose.

Offline SensFanEngland

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2008, 09:53:54 AM »
Also

Whats the difference between PMS and BSE?

One is mad cow disease


and the other is a agricultural problem.


Mod Edit: Removed inappropriate joke, at any level. Please, next time use some discretion, you never know a persons personal history on forums.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2008, 10:05:16 AM by Broken Bones »
How many Marxist does it take to change a lightbulb? None because each lightbulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution

Offline Special J

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #7 on: February 27, 2008, 09:57:35 AM »
A priesr, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar while carrying a duck.

Bartender says, "What is this? some kind of joke?"
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true." - Homer Simpson

Offline Furtrader

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #8 on: February 27, 2008, 10:57:27 AM »
What's the difference between broccolli and snot?


Kids won't eat broccolli.....  :franz:
I love my Oldsmobile

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2008, 09:04:16 AM »
A man shot a deer and brought it home for his wife to cook for dinner.  The two decided not to tell the kids what kind of meat it was.  But they would give them clues and have them guess. 

At the dinner table the young daughter and son were anxious to know what they were about to eat and begged their parents for a clue. 

"Well," said the father, "it's a name you're mother calls me sometimes." 

Suddenly the young daughter yelled to her brother,

"DON'T EAT IT.  IT'S AN *******."

Offline butterfly_style

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2008, 10:14:58 AM »
A man shot a deer and brought it home for his wife to cook for dinner. The two decided not to tell the kids what kind of meat it was. But they would give them clues and have them guess.

At the dinner table the young daughter and son were anxious to know what they were about to eat and begged their parents for a clue.

"Well," said the father, "it's a name you're mother calls me sometimes."

Suddenly the young daughter yelled to her brother,

"DON'T EAT IT. IT'S AN *******."
Lost in translation

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2008, 11:47:29 AM »
OOPs, maybe it should have gone into the gutter thread. :???   I didn't think it was that bad (***hole) but I know youngsters read this too.  Of course I have heard much worse coming out of elementary youths mouths but rules are rules. 

Sorry guys.

Offline Small Town

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2008, 12:29:32 PM »
My husband is part Polish and when we were dating, he use to jump in front of me and say, "Watch out for that pole." UGH and yet I still married him.

 :shake:

Now THAT's funny.  As long as he keeps you laughing it was a good decision. 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2008, 01:11:33 PM »
OOPs, maybe it should have gone into the gutter thread. :???   I didn't think it was that bad (***hole) but I know youngsters read this too.  Of course I have heard much worse coming out of elementary youths mouths but rules are rules. 

Sorry guys.

Naw, it would have been censored there as well, but I pieced it together. Sometimes I think as*hole is my first name!

Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2008, 02:09:01 PM »
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."   

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knoc ks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Jack, it's winter in Ontario and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Offline CrustyOldGuy

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #15 on: March 03, 2008, 08:05:24 PM »
This is not a true life story...I only have daughters...

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth..."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.  "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor...
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.  Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as  they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um. . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
 "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
Now that I am older, I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience.  Turns out I just don't give a damn.

I don't have an attitude...I have a personality you can't handle!

Offline Dagwood

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2008, 10:50:23 AM »
Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. 

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV and cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my ****' address.

What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals ****** workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another ****' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!  Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the ****' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some ******* to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ****' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate **** Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.  I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.  However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST **** CHINA!!!
“Being politically correct....not my forte”

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2008, 09:37:31 AM »
What is the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits the windshield of a car?


                                       His BUTT      :A_laughing_matter:


(Come on now, you know you want to  :A_laughing_matter: )

Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #18 on: March 08, 2008, 07:57:06 PM »
 :A_laughing_matter: Well done!

Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #19 on: March 12, 2008, 07:46:27 AM »
Top Ten Things That Sound Nasty in Law, but Really Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is on hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in the chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the #1 dirty law statement is...

Think you can get me off?