Author Topic: Joke Thread - post them here  (Read 95285 times)

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Offline OS

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #20 on: March 12, 2008, 09:53:43 AM »
If you have a dirty monitor screen, please click below to have it cleaned...

http://tinyurl.com/ynovxs

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Offline rose

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #21 on: March 12, 2008, 11:51:00 AM »
I got this one last week on my account....very cute!! :nod:
"If you can't make up your mind, 'What the hell' is usually the right answer."  Ellen Reid Smith

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #22 on: March 12, 2008, 10:18:31 PM »
 A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'     Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

 A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide
 for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the Feminine gender('la computadora'), because:
 
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
 
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
 
 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 

 
 The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
 
 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
 
 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but  half the time they ARE the problem; and
 
 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #23 on: March 13, 2008, 11:08:01 AM »
OUCH!

Offline Dagwood

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #24 on: March 22, 2008, 02:19:48 PM »
Easter Bunny is Dead
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


“Being politically correct....not my forte”

Offline FV

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #25 on: March 22, 2008, 02:30:49 PM »
Easter Bunny is Dead
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."




Wow!   :shock:  Was that ever bad.  ;)  A minute and a half I'll never get back.
Proud member of the P.P.A. since 2008.

Offline pulp

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #26 on: March 22, 2008, 02:46:35 PM »
A minute and a half I'll never get back.

Those are some of MY finest moments...  :laugh2:

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #27 on: March 22, 2008, 10:24:54 PM »
Those are some of MY finest moments... :laugh2:

Pulp, all I can say is... God Bless Your Wife. 

And Dagwood, nice one.....  :thumbsup:

Offline pulp

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #28 on: March 22, 2008, 10:45:07 PM »
Pulp, all I can say is... God Bless Your Wife.

 :OMG: has been vocalized on not too rare an occasion!  :Thanks:

     

          -pulp ":DANNCER:" 42



Offline Metalhawk

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #29 on: March 22, 2008, 10:59:23 PM »
Since this is the joke thread, maybe I should move tonight's gameday thread in here. Man, what a joke.
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it"

Offline OS

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #30 on: March 22, 2008, 11:12:45 PM »
:OMG: has been vocalized on not too rare an occasion!  :Thanks:
   

          -pulp ":DANNCER:" 42

O.M.G - Pretty good for 1.5 minutes  :smily1263:

Offline pulp

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #31 on: March 23, 2008, 12:42:21 AM »
O.M.G - Pretty good for 1.5 minutes  :smily1263:

I can say it twice!  :thumbsup:

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #32 on: March 23, 2008, 09:56:09 AM »
:OMG: has been vocalized on not too rare an occasion! :Thanks:

 

 -pulp ":DANNCER:" 42




You mean like  :OMG:  thank you for letting this be over???                 :laugh2:

Offline work2play

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How We Came To Be
« Reply #33 on: March 23, 2008, 03:26:12 PM »
A little girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How did the human race come about?"
The mother answered: "Well my dear, God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
 
Two days later she asks her father the same question.
The father answered: "Well sugar, many years ago there were monkeys, and we evolved from them."
 
 The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mommy, how is it that you told me that the human race was created by God and Daddy says we came from monkeys?"

The mother answers: "Well sweetie, it's very simple.  I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
Lost your job yet?  Keep buying foreign!

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #34 on: March 23, 2008, 05:54:12 PM »



Offline butterfly_style

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #35 on: April 03, 2008, 10:24:02 AM »
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking.  I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.  Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.  Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!  Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.  Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters.  Hello???  Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth.  You're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who's boss here!  You don't see me picking up your poop do you?



Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #36 on: April 03, 2008, 10:53:00 AM »
 :A_laughing_matter: So true.

Offline Alfietheking

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #37 on: April 04, 2008, 06:18:31 AM »
Lord calls James:Hello, James is everything OK?Yes Sir, but I broken spade.Spade?Why?Because I buried your dog.My dog is dead?How did it happened?His kennel was in flames as your house.My house was in flames?Ohh why?Your lady dropped candle because your daughter was raped.She was raped?Oh and what happened to my lady?she is dead Sir.Alright and have you got something positive for me?Yes sir, your HIV tests
It´s crazy...but I´m BACK.Lets help Sens to playoffs!!!
P.P.A member...thanks for inv

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Offline sensfan128

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #38 on: April 06, 2008, 08:52:33 AM »
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking.  I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.  Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.  Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!  Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.  Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters.  Hello???  Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth.  You're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who's boss here!  You don't see me picking up your poop do you?




Funnyest joke on this thread.
SENS RULE!!!!!!!

Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #39 on: April 09, 2008, 09:08:21 AM »
One day, a little boy was on a farm when he said, "Mom, can I have breakfast?" She said, "Not until you do your chores."

So the boy is a little mad, and he goes to the chicken coop to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He then goes to the pig pen to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig. He then goes to the barn to milk the cows, and kicks a cow. He goes back to the house for breakfast and all he sees is dry cereal and an apple.

The boy said, "What gives?"

His mom said, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you aren't getting any eggs. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon. I saw you kick a cow, so you aren't getting any milk."

Then the boy's dad gets up and kicks the cat. The boy said, "Mom, are you going to tell him, or will I?"