Author Topic: Joke Thread - post them here  (Read 95284 times)

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Offline Jasonf6

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #40 on: April 09, 2008, 09:36:52 AM »
One day, a little boy was on a farm when he said, "Mom, can I have breakfast?" She said, "Not until you do your chores."

So the boy is a little mad, and he goes to the chicken coop to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He then goes to the pig pen to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig. He then goes to the barn to milk the cows, and kicks a cow. He goes back to the house for breakfast and all he sees is dry cereal and an apple.

The boy said, "What gives?"

His mom said, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you aren't getting any eggs. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon. I saw you kick a cow, so you aren't getting any milk."

Then the boy's dad gets up and kicks the cat. The boy said, "Mom, are you going to tell him, or will I?"

 :icon_agree: :A_laughing_matter:

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #41 on: April 10, 2008, 11:34:58 AM »
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years, your job still sucks.    :smily1263:      :icon_thankyou:

Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #42 on: April 10, 2008, 11:55:00 AM »
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years, your job still sucks.    :smily1263:      :icon_thankyou:

 :ccclapping: Well done!

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #43 on: April 10, 2008, 01:44:06 PM »
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
 
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
 
80% held up their hands.
 
The Minister then repeated his question.
 
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
 
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
 
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
 
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
 
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
 
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
 
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:




'I outlived the bitches.'   

Offline Special J

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #44 on: April 10, 2008, 07:52:12 PM »
After a long golf season, Tiger Woods goes on vacation touring Newfoundland.  Running low on gas, he pulls his BMW into a gas station.

The attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

“Mornin' to ya, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those”, asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on God’s earth are the for?” inquires the attendant.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Jaysus!”, says the attendant, “Those germans think of everything!”
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true." - Homer Simpson

Offline ncjahn

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #45 on: April 10, 2008, 08:55:53 PM »
Yes. Yes we do. Comfort is key.
Where have all the heroes gone?

Offline OS

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #46 on: April 11, 2008, 12:16:54 PM »
Probably should have put this in this thread.

http://sensnetwork.com/sensforum/index.php?topic=22344.0

Offline Alfietheking

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #47 on: April 12, 2008, 02:56:18 AM »
The race who will be first on the moon:
Soviets are first on the moon and starts paint moon to red.Americans watches them and calls Houston: "Soviets are on moon and paints it to red!"...alright guys relax and watch them.After 5 days Soviets have half of moon red "Houston,Houston Soviets have almost red moon..."...it´s OK guys just stay and enjoy your cola.After one week Soviets painted moon to red and got away."Houston,Houston its late Soviets got it!" Alright guys at sector A-14 you have lime and brushes and just start paint: "Coca-Cola"
It´s crazy...but I´m BACK.Lets help Sens to playoffs!!!
P.P.A member...thanks for inv

http://www.youtube.com/Alfietheking

Offline CrustyOldGuy

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #48 on: April 16, 2008, 06:55:33 PM »
This one is for everyone who...
     a) has kids
     b) had kids
     c) was a kid
     d) knows a kid
     e) is going to have kids.

DADDY' ' S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ' Daddy, look at this,' and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
' Daddy' ' s gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, ' What' ' s wrong, honey?'

She replied,
' What happened to my booger?'


Now that I am older, I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience.  Turns out I just don't give a damn.

I don't have an attitude...I have a personality you can't handle!

Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #49 on: April 18, 2008, 10:09:55 AM »
The blond reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for heads, and No, for tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour," she said, "but now I'm rechecking my answers."

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #50 on: April 29, 2008, 10:45:57 PM »
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
 
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
 
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
 
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'



Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #51 on: April 30, 2008, 11:11:54 AM »
I'd take sex over dinner any time, nothing wrong with dessert first!

Offline rose

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #52 on: April 30, 2008, 11:30:25 AM »
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
 
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
 
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
 
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

 :A_laughing_matter:
"If you can't make up your mind, 'What the hell' is usually the right answer."  Ellen Reid Smith

Offline momr

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #53 on: April 30, 2008, 12:13:18 PM »
:A_laughing_matter:

That reminds me of another one:

A woman decides to surprise her son and daughter-in-law by going to their house while they were at work and making them a nice dinner.  She has a key and lets herself in but is surprised to find her daughter-in-law at home - naked - laying on the living room sofa.  The mother-in-law is embarrassed of course and apologizes and tries to leave.  The daughter-in-law says its ok - not to be embarrassed - her son likes her to be waiting at home like this -  naked - wearing nothing but what they call her 'love dress'.

So the woman now decides to go home and surprise her own husband in the same way.  She turns down the lights - add soft music and candles for affect - and lays naked on the sofa waiting for her husband.

He arrives.  She looks at him and says ' surprise - I have been waiting here for you, wearing nothing but my 'love dress'.  His reply..




...hmm - it needs ironing ;)


Offline Broken Bones

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #54 on: April 30, 2008, 12:41:12 PM »
 :A_laughing_matter: Did not see that coming!

Offline butterfly_style

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #55 on: April 30, 2008, 01:56:09 PM »
One Monday morning, three Ladies were discussing their drunken exploits from Saturday night.

The first one said "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second one sheepishly spoke up "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I wrapped the car around the big oak tree in the yard."

The third one shyly broke in "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I wanted to give my husband a special treat.  So I got into my sexiest lingerie, and lit the candles. Thing is the candles were too close to the curtains, they caught fire . . .And,  I burned the house down"

The first one being very embarassed said "You don't understand . . . Chunks is my dog"



                     Chunks


Offline momr

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #56 on: April 30, 2008, 02:02:43 PM »
One Monday morning, three Ladies were discussing their drunken exploits from Saturday night.

The first one said "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second one sheepishly spoke up "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I wrapped the car around the big oak tree in the yard."

The third one shyly broke in "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I wanted to give my husband a special treat.  So I got into my sexiest lingerie, and lit the candles. Thing is the candles were too close to the curtains, they caught fire . . .And,  I burned the house down"

The first one being very embarassed said "You don't understand . . . Chunks is my dog"



                     Chunks



Whoa - how quickly a thread can go downhill    :icon_vomit:

Offline OS

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #57 on: May 07, 2008, 03:43:25 PM »
PRICELESS
                                                                           
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's           
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't     
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from   
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something       
wrong.                                                                     
                                                                           
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees   
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,   
next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in   
front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees     
that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the       
house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye       
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.                               
                                                                           
then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red 
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:       
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make   
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"     
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,       
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is     
also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. What happened last night?"   
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell     
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,     
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.                         
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order   
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for     
me??"                                                                     
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she 
tried to take your pants off, you screamed,                               
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"                                           
                                                                           
                Broken Coffee Table $239.99                                 
                Hot Breakfast $4.20                                         
                Two Aspirins $.38                                           
                Saying the right thing, at the right time . PRICELESS     

Offline classmate

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #58 on: May 07, 2008, 05:49:17 PM »
AAAHHHHHHHH,   :thumbsup:

Offline psahlgren

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #59 on: May 07, 2008, 06:15:36 PM »
One day, this guy was sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden he's startled by three Toronto Maple Leafs hockey players cheering, "Fifteen! Fifteen!" He ignores them and continues to drink.
About 5 minutes later, the hockey players again cheer, "Fifteen! Fifteen!"

At this, the guy then walks over and asks them why they keep cheering, "Fifteen! Fifteen!"

The hockey players respond, "Well, we went to Walmart and bought this jigsaw puzzle, which we put together in 15 weeks! Considering that the side of the box said 3-5 years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

In court the other day there was a case regarding the custody of a small child.
The judge asked the boy, "do you want to live with your mother?"
He replied, "No I don't want to live with her because she beats me!".
The judge then asked, "Do you want to live with your father?"
The boy stated, "No he beats me too."
Finally the judge asked, "where do you want to live?"
The child responded, "I want to live with the Toronto Maple Leafs!".
The judge asked, "Why do you want to live with the Toronto Maple Leafs?"
The boy exclaimed, "Because the Toronto Maple Leafs don't beat anybody!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."


"We feel we've been playing playoff hockey for a while now." - Andrew Hammond