Author Topic: Joke Thread - post them here  (Read 95283 times)

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Offline Jasonf6

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #860 on: April 02, 2013, 12:33:13 PM »
 :mrgreen:

Offline Jasonf6

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #861 on: April 30, 2013, 01:09:06 PM »
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History. Who said 
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
   
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright 
foreign exchange student fromJapan, who had his hand up: "Patrick 
Henry, 1775," he said.
 
"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for 
the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
 
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
   
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more 
difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your
 country can do for you, but 
what you can do for your country'?"
 
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. 
Kennedy, 1961."
 
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of 
yourselves.
 
Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows
 more about our 
history than you do." 
 
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs." 
 
"Who said that? I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded. 
 
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
 
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." 
 
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"
 
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 
1991."
 
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" 
 
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the 
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
 
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you 
say anything else, I'll kill you!"
 
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael 
Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
 
The teacher fainted.
 
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 
"Oh shit, we're screwed!"
 
Little Akio said quietly, "Albertans, 'if' Justin Trudeau wins the 
Liberal leadership and gets elected PM".

Offline CrustyOldGuy

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #862 on: June 28, 2013, 02:09:40 PM »
Way too quiet around here... :mrgreen:
 
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
 He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
 He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?
 She answers...
 
 THE TEETH!
Now that I am older, I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience.  Turns out I just don't give a damn.

I don't have an attitude...I have a personality you can't handle!

Offline Metalhawk

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #863 on: June 28, 2013, 02:18:58 PM »
Uh, eww?
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it"

Offline CrustyOldGuy

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Re: Joke Thread - post them here
« Reply #864 on: September 05, 2013, 01:34:49 PM »
STILL to quiet around here... :P

Bob, a young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times.  His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story.  An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
 
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there.  The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions.
 
Bob asked farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest?
 
Farmer Dick replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep.  We all formed a posse and found it.  After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
 
“I can’t print that,” said Bob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, “Yep.  One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl.  We all formed a posse and found her.  After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.”
 
Again Bob knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack.  He asked Farmer Dick, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
 
Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once".
« Last Edit: September 05, 2013, 01:37:05 PM by CrustyOldGuy »
Now that I am older, I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience.  Turns out I just don't give a damn.

I don't have an attitude...I have a personality you can't handle!