Non-Hockey => Anything But Hockey => Topic started by: OS on February 21, 2008, 09:35:56 AM

Title: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on February 21, 2008, 09:35:56 AM
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later he r son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on February 21, 2008, 09:47:16 AM
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."

So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee, I don't know... do you think he'll remember us?"

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: shadow613 on February 27, 2008, 06:41:46 AM
Here's the shortest joke I know...

A guy walks into a bar......"Ouch"!    :giggles:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on February 27, 2008, 09:03:19 AM
Here's the shortest joke I know...

A guy walks into a bar......"Ouch"!    :giggles:

Know what's sad?  I used to date a very intelligent girl a few years ago, one day we were shooting jokes back and forth, I passed that one on to her, she kept asking "what's in the bar?"  I never laughed so hard.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on February 27, 2008, 09:38:24 AM
Know what's sad? I used to date a very intelligent girl a few years ago, one day we were shooting jokes back and forth, I passed that one on to her, she kept asking "what's in the bar?" I never laughed so hard.

My husband is part Polish and when we were dating, he use to jump in front of me and say, "Watch out for that pole."   UGH and yet I still married him. 

 :shake:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on February 27, 2008, 09:51:43 AM
My husband is part Polish and when we were dating, he use to jump in front of me and say, "Watch out for that pole."   UGH and yet I still married him. 

 :shake:

At least I got out of my relationship. For you, I'm afraid you didn't see what was right in front of your nose.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SensFanEngland on February 27, 2008, 09:53:54 AM
Also

Whats the difference between PMS and BSE?

One is mad cow disease


and the other is a agricultural problem.


Mod Edit: Removed inappropriate joke, at any level. Please, next time use some discretion, you never know a persons personal history on forums.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Special J on February 27, 2008, 09:57:35 AM
A priesr, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar while carrying a duck.

Bartender says, "What is this? some kind of joke?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Furtrader on February 27, 2008, 10:57:27 AM
What's the difference between broccolli and snot?


Kids won't eat broccolli.....  :franz:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 03, 2008, 09:04:16 AM
A man shot a deer and brought it home for his wife to cook for dinner.  The two decided not to tell the kids what kind of meat it was.  But they would give them clues and have them guess. 

At the dinner table the young daughter and son were anxious to know what they were about to eat and begged their parents for a clue. 

"Well," said the father, "it's a name you're mother calls me sometimes." 

Suddenly the young daughter yelled to her brother,

"DON'T EAT IT.  IT'S AN *******."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on March 03, 2008, 10:14:58 AM
A man shot a deer and brought it home for his wife to cook for dinner. The two decided not to tell the kids what kind of meat it was. But they would give them clues and have them guess.

At the dinner table the young daughter and son were anxious to know what they were about to eat and begged their parents for a clue.

"Well," said the father, "it's a name you're mother calls me sometimes."

Suddenly the young daughter yelled to her brother,

"DON'T EAT IT. IT'S AN *******."
Lost in translation
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 03, 2008, 11:47:29 AM
OOPs, maybe it should have gone into the gutter thread. :???   I didn't think it was that bad (***hole) but I know youngsters read this too.  Of course I have heard much worse coming out of elementary youths mouths but rules are rules. 

Sorry guys.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 03, 2008, 12:29:32 PM
My husband is part Polish and when we were dating, he use to jump in front of me and say, "Watch out for that pole." UGH and yet I still married him.

 :shake:

Now THAT's funny.  As long as he keeps you laughing it was a good decision. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on March 03, 2008, 01:11:33 PM
OOPs, maybe it should have gone into the gutter thread. :???   I didn't think it was that bad (***hole) but I know youngsters read this too.  Of course I have heard much worse coming out of elementary youths mouths but rules are rules. 

Sorry guys.

Naw, it would have been censored there as well, but I pieced it together. Sometimes I think as*hole is my first name!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on March 03, 2008, 02:09:01 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."   

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knoc ks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Jack, it's winter in Ontario and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on March 03, 2008, 08:05:24 PM
This is not a true life story...I only have daughters...

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth..."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.  "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor...
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.  Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as  they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um. . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
 "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on March 04, 2008, 10:50:23 AM
Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. 

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV and cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my ****' address.

What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals ****** workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another ****' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!  Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the ****' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some ******* to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ****' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate **** Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.  I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.  However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST **** CHINA!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 08, 2008, 09:37:31 AM
What is the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits the windshield of a car?


                                       His BUTT      :A_laughing_matter:


(Come on now, you know you want to  :A_laughing_matter: )
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on March 08, 2008, 07:57:06 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: Well done!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on March 12, 2008, 07:46:27 AM
Top Ten Things That Sound Nasty in Law, but Really Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is on hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in the chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the #1 dirty law statement is...

Think you can get me off?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on March 12, 2008, 09:53:43 AM
If you have a dirty monitor screen, please click below to have it cleaned...

http://tinyurl.com/ynovxs

************************************************************************

**********************************************************************
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on March 12, 2008, 11:51:00 AM
I got this one last week on my account....very cute!! :nod:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 12, 2008, 10:18:31 PM
 A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'     Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

 A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide
 for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the Feminine gender('la computadora'), because:
 
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
 
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
 
 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 

 
 The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
 
 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
 
 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but  half the time they ARE the problem; and
 
 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on March 13, 2008, 11:08:01 AM
OUCH!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on March 22, 2008, 02:19:48 PM
Easter Bunny is Dead
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on March 22, 2008, 02:30:49 PM
Easter Bunny is Dead
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."




Wow!   :shock:  Was that ever bad.  ;)  A minute and a half I'll never get back.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: pulp on March 22, 2008, 02:46:35 PM
A minute and a half I'll never get back.

Those are some of MY finest moments...  :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 22, 2008, 10:24:54 PM
Those are some of MY finest moments... :laugh2:

Pulp, all I can say is... God Bless Your Wife. 

And Dagwood, nice one.....  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: pulp on March 22, 2008, 10:45:07 PM
Pulp, all I can say is... God Bless Your Wife.

 :OMG: has been vocalized on not too rare an occasion!  :Thanks:

     

          -pulp ":DANNCER:" 42


Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on March 22, 2008, 10:59:23 PM
Since this is the joke thread, maybe I should move tonight's gameday thread in here. Man, what a joke.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on March 22, 2008, 11:12:45 PM
:OMG: has been vocalized on not too rare an occasion!  :Thanks:
   

          -pulp ":DANNCER:" 42

O.M.G - Pretty good for 1.5 minutes  :smily1263:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: pulp on March 23, 2008, 12:42:21 AM
O.M.G - Pretty good for 1.5 minutes  :smily1263:

I can say it twice!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 23, 2008, 09:56:09 AM
:OMG: has been vocalized on not too rare an occasion! :Thanks:

 

 -pulp ":DANNCER:" 42




You mean like  :OMG:  thank you for letting this be over???                 :laugh2:
Title: How We Came To Be
Post by: work2play on March 23, 2008, 03:26:12 PM
A little girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How did the human race come about?"
The mother answered: "Well my dear, God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
 
Two days later she asks her father the same question.
The father answered: "Well sugar, many years ago there were monkeys, and we evolved from them."
 
 The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mommy, how is it that you told me that the human race was created by God and Daddy says we came from monkeys?"

The mother answers: "Well sweetie, it's very simple.  I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 23, 2008, 05:54:12 PM
(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/whocares.jpg)

(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/oldladies.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on April 03, 2008, 10:24:02 AM
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking.  I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.  Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.  Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!  Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.  Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters.  Hello???  Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth.  You're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who's boss here!  You don't see me picking up your poop do you?


Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on April 03, 2008, 10:53:00 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: So true.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Alfietheking on April 04, 2008, 06:18:31 AM
Lord calls James:Hello, James is everything OK?Yes Sir, but I broken spade.Spade?Why?Because I buried your dog.My dog is dead?How did it happened?His kennel was in flames as your house.My house was in flames?Ohh why?Your lady dropped candle because your daughter was raped.She was raped?Oh and what happened to my lady?she is dead Sir.Alright and have you got something positive for me?Yes sir, your HIV tests
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: sensfan128 on April 06, 2008, 08:52:33 AM
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking.  I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.  Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.  Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!  Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.  Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters.  Hello???  Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth.  You're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who's boss here!  You don't see me picking up your poop do you?




Funnyest joke on this thread.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on April 09, 2008, 09:08:21 AM
One day, a little boy was on a farm when he said, "Mom, can I have breakfast?" She said, "Not until you do your chores."

So the boy is a little mad, and he goes to the chicken coop to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He then goes to the pig pen to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig. He then goes to the barn to milk the cows, and kicks a cow. He goes back to the house for breakfast and all he sees is dry cereal and an apple.

The boy said, "What gives?"

His mom said, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you aren't getting any eggs. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon. I saw you kick a cow, so you aren't getting any milk."

Then the boy's dad gets up and kicks the cat. The boy said, "Mom, are you going to tell him, or will I?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 09, 2008, 09:36:52 AM
One day, a little boy was on a farm when he said, "Mom, can I have breakfast?" She said, "Not until you do your chores."

So the boy is a little mad, and he goes to the chicken coop to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He then goes to the pig pen to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig. He then goes to the barn to milk the cows, and kicks a cow. He goes back to the house for breakfast and all he sees is dry cereal and an apple.

The boy said, "What gives?"

His mom said, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you aren't getting any eggs. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon. I saw you kick a cow, so you aren't getting any milk."

Then the boy's dad gets up and kicks the cat. The boy said, "Mom, are you going to tell him, or will I?"

 :icon_agree: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on April 10, 2008, 11:34:58 AM
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years, your job still sucks.    :smily1263:      :icon_thankyou:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on April 10, 2008, 11:55:00 AM
What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years, your job still sucks.    :smily1263:      :icon_thankyou:

 :ccclapping: Well done!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on April 10, 2008, 01:44:06 PM
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
 
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
 
80% held up their hands.
 
The Minister then repeated his question.
 
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
 
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
 
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
 
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
 
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
 
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
 
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:




'I outlived the bitches.'   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Special J on April 10, 2008, 07:52:12 PM
After a long golf season, Tiger Woods goes on vacation touring Newfoundland.  Running low on gas, he pulls his BMW into a gas station.

The attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

“Mornin' to ya, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those”, asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on God’s earth are the for?” inquires the attendant.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Jaysus!”, says the attendant, “Those germans think of everything!”
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: ncjahn on April 10, 2008, 08:55:53 PM
Yes. Yes we do. Comfort is key.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on April 11, 2008, 12:16:54 PM
Probably should have put this in this thread.

http://sensnetwork.com/sensforum/index.php?topic=22344.0
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Alfietheking on April 12, 2008, 02:56:18 AM
The race who will be first on the moon:
Soviets are first on the moon and starts paint moon to red.Americans watches them and calls Houston: "Soviets are on moon and paints it to red!"...alright guys relax and watch them.After 5 days Soviets have half of moon red "Houston,Houston Soviets have almost red moon..."...it´s OK guys just stay and enjoy your cola.After one week Soviets painted moon to red and got away."Houston,Houston its late Soviets got it!" Alright guys at sector A-14 you have lime and brushes and just start paint: "Coca-Cola"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on April 16, 2008, 06:55:33 PM
This one is for everyone who...
     a) has kids
     b) had kids
     c) was a kid
     d) knows a kid
     e) is going to have kids.

DADDY' ' S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ' Daddy, look at this,' and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
' Daddy' ' s gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, ' What' ' s wrong, honey?'

She replied,
' What happened to my booger?'


Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on April 18, 2008, 10:09:55 AM
The blond reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for heads, and No, for tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour," she said, "but now I'm rechecking my answers."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on April 29, 2008, 10:45:57 PM
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
 
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
 
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
 
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'


Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on April 30, 2008, 11:11:54 AM
I'd take sex over dinner any time, nothing wrong with dessert first!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on April 30, 2008, 11:30:25 AM
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
 
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
 
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
 
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on April 30, 2008, 12:13:18 PM
:A_laughing_matter:

That reminds me of another one:

A woman decides to surprise her son and daughter-in-law by going to their house while they were at work and making them a nice dinner.  She has a key and lets herself in but is surprised to find her daughter-in-law at home - naked - laying on the living room sofa.  The mother-in-law is embarrassed of course and apologizes and tries to leave.  The daughter-in-law says its ok - not to be embarrassed - her son likes her to be waiting at home like this -  naked - wearing nothing but what they call her 'love dress'.

So the woman now decides to go home and surprise her own husband in the same way.  She turns down the lights - add soft music and candles for affect - and lays naked on the sofa waiting for her husband.

He arrives.  She looks at him and says ' surprise - I have been waiting here for you, wearing nothing but my 'love dress'.  His reply..




...hmm - it needs ironing ;)

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on April 30, 2008, 12:41:12 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: Did not see that coming!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on April 30, 2008, 01:56:09 PM
One Monday morning, three Ladies were discussing their drunken exploits from Saturday night.

The first one said "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second one sheepishly spoke up "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I wrapped the car around the big oak tree in the yard."

The third one shyly broke in "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I wanted to give my husband a special treat.  So I got into my sexiest lingerie, and lit the candles. Thing is the candles were too close to the curtains, they caught fire . . .And,  I burned the house down"

The first one being very embarassed said "You don't understand . . . Chunks is my dog"


(http://www.tierarztpraxis-erkrath.de/images/dogsmile.jpg)
                     Chunks

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on April 30, 2008, 02:02:43 PM
One Monday morning, three Ladies were discussing their drunken exploits from Saturday night.

The first one said "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second one sheepishly spoke up "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I wrapped the car around the big oak tree in the yard."

The third one shyly broke in "I was so drunk on Saturday night, I wanted to give my husband a special treat.  So I got into my sexiest lingerie, and lit the candles. Thing is the candles were too close to the curtains, they caught fire . . .And,  I burned the house down"

The first one being very embarassed said "You don't understand . . . Chunks is my dog"


(http://www.tierarztpraxis-erkrath.de/images/dogsmile.jpg)
                     Chunks



Whoa - how quickly a thread can go downhill    :icon_vomit:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 07, 2008, 03:43:25 PM
PRICELESS
                                                                           
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's           
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't     
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from   
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something       
wrong.                                                                     
                                                                           
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees   
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,   
next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in   
front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees     
that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the       
house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye       
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.                               
                                                                           
then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red 
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:       
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make   
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"     
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,       
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is     
also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. What happened last night?"   
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell     
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,     
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.                         
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order   
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for     
me??"                                                                     
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she 
tried to take your pants off, you screamed,                               
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"                                           
                                                                           
                Broken Coffee Table $239.99                                 
                Hot Breakfast $4.20                                         
                Two Aspirins $.38                                           
                Saying the right thing, at the right time . PRICELESS     
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on May 07, 2008, 05:49:17 PM
AAAHHHHHHHH,   :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: psahlgren on May 07, 2008, 06:15:36 PM
One day, this guy was sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden he's startled by three Toronto Maple Leafs hockey players cheering, "Fifteen! Fifteen!" He ignores them and continues to drink.
About 5 minutes later, the hockey players again cheer, "Fifteen! Fifteen!"

At this, the guy then walks over and asks them why they keep cheering, "Fifteen! Fifteen!"

The hockey players respond, "Well, we went to Walmart and bought this jigsaw puzzle, which we put together in 15 weeks! Considering that the side of the box said 3-5 years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

In court the other day there was a case regarding the custody of a small child.
The judge asked the boy, "do you want to live with your mother?"
He replied, "No I don't want to live with her because she beats me!".
The judge then asked, "Do you want to live with your father?"
The boy stated, "No he beats me too."
Finally the judge asked, "where do you want to live?"
The child responded, "I want to live with the Toronto Maple Leafs!".
The judge asked, "Why do you want to live with the Toronto Maple Leafs?"
The boy exclaimed, "Because the Toronto Maple Leafs don't beat anybody!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 28, 2008, 11:30:18 AM
Don't Underestimate Children

 

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.  I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'


The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said To the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'


'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.


'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.  But let me ask
you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'


The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'


To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on May 28, 2008, 01:03:01 PM
Smart ass!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 12, 2008, 08:21:20 AM
So this is how they do it in Scotland

 

An armed balaclava clad robber bursts into the Royal Bank of Scotland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Scottish customer grabs the balaclava and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Scottish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse ….".

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: moxie on June 12, 2008, 11:58:03 AM
 :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 12, 2008, 04:16:55 PM
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.What are you doing?
''Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
'You're in  a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.
''Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
'I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
' But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
' That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never  argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on June 12, 2008, 04:19:00 PM
A golden classic for sure.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on June 12, 2008, 04:38:52 PM
That's a good one.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 24, 2008, 08:04:35 PM
SISTER MARY  ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a  home health agency, was out
making her r ounds visiting  homebound patients when she ran out of
gas. As luck would have it, a  Texaco Gasoline station was just a
block  away.

She walked to the station to borrow  a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can  he owned had been loaned out, but
she could wait until it was  returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way
to see a patient, she decided  not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car  that she could fill with gas
and spotted the bedpan she  was taking to the patient. Always
resourceful, Sister Mary Ann  carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and  carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her  tank, two Baptists watched from across
the  street.
One of them  turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm  turning Catholic.'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 24, 2008, 08:50:33 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 27, 2008, 12:15:51 PM
Colonoscopy

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later,
in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over
the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in
a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we
must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken
broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32  gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind
like a mixture of goat spit  and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it
'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the  MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  The next morning  my wife drove me to the clinic. I was
very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts
of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck
the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but
Eddie was very good, and I was  already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left  side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,'  I said. And then it was time, the moment I
had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit
detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I  was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  Andy was looking
down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all
over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning
humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Classification
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 27, 2008, 12:24:48 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:   I hate to say, I can actually relate to this.    :A_laughing_matter:

I love Dave Barry. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on July 02, 2008, 07:37:28 PM
Sorry I couldn't resist repeating this.  Thanks to goaliedave.   :thumbsup:

Emery signs!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gillette announced today that it has signed Rayzor Emery as spokesperson for its new recycling division. "We're hoping that someone will be interested in recycling a dull razor" Gillette said.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on July 04, 2008, 11:10:14 AM
Subject: A Doctor Speaks About Exercise and Diet

I love this Doctor ...
 
I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on July 05, 2008, 09:11:13 AM
OK - time to improve my French and German to improve my long-term outlook.  Prosit!  :drink:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Cam_Neely#8 on July 19, 2008, 02:55:22 AM
Three guys are walking down the street, out of nowhere a guy with no teeth, dirty clothes and a needle in his hand jumps out at them. he yells " give me your wallets or I'll stab you with my needle, and I've got AIDS, HERPES, every disease you can think of!" The one guy immediately throws him his wallet, the other guy follows suit and throws his wallet, but the third guy says, "theres no way in hell you're getting my wallet!", The AIDS guys stabs him in the neck and runs off with the two wallets, The two walletless guys say, "what the hell! he could have had AIDS!!" the the third guy, who still has his wallet, says, "It's okay...

"I'm wearing a condom!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on July 19, 2008, 01:34:05 PM
 :duh  OUCH!   Sounds like a male blond joke.  :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on July 19, 2008, 02:13:39 PM
A man walked onto a plane with 3 young children in tow.  The flight attendant said,"How adorable, are these all yours?"  The man looked at her and said, "No, I work for Trojan.... These are customer complaints."

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on July 20, 2008, 07:55:46 AM
Well done CM!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Bonzai on July 21, 2008, 12:42:28 PM
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

 1. Sag, you're It.

 2. Hide and go pee.

 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

 4. Kick the bucket

 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

 6. Musical recliners.

 7. Simon says something incoherent.

 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

 SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :

 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

 OLD IS WHEN:

 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

 Thoughts for the weekend:

 Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

 If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

 Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

 Ponderisms

 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

 Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 But Most Of All, Remember!

 A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on July 21, 2008, 01:25:47 PM
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If your spouse squeels when it comes out of the ground it was a valuable plant.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Bonzai on July 21, 2008, 01:52:24 PM
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If your spouse squeels when it comes out of the ground it was a valuable plant.

Or better yet.  Let your Labrador puppy out to take a wiz and the plant she runs over and yanks on and tears into a zillion pieces is most valuable.  Dogs never eat weeds....
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on July 21, 2008, 01:53:11 PM
Or better yet.  Let your Labrador puppy out to take a wiz and the plant she runs over and yanks on and tears into a zillion pieces is most valuable.  Dogs never eat weeds....

Nope, but they do eat dog shit.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on July 21, 2008, 01:55:37 PM
Nope, but they do eat dog shit.

I know.  Eeeeuuuwwwww!!!!!  :icon_vomit:  Thanks for reminding me!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Bonzai on July 21, 2008, 02:05:56 PM
Nope, but they do eat dog shit.

Not mine...well, she has been know to try to eat our cat's turds but we've stopped that too.  Actually we took in a rescue many years ago (a 4 year old Shittzu) and he had that problem along with a few other less disgusting ones.  It has a name to it and all it takes is a pill twice a day and it solves it lickety split.....errrr, bad choice of words...lol
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on July 21, 2008, 03:00:05 PM
Our dogs are actually pretty good, they only seem to do it as a last resort should they need to make themselves sick along with eating grass.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Bonzai on July 21, 2008, 04:12:21 PM
Our dogs are actually pretty good, they only seem to do it as a last resort should they need to make themselves sick along with eating grass.

You have seen the comedy bit by Ron White of the Blue Collar comedy troop and he has a bit about his dog Sluggo who likes to eat turds.  He even offers his dogs service to other as he states "My dog will come over and be your pooper scooper"...or sort of like that.  Frigging hilarious.  It's on you tube  ..it's hilarious stuff

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tst8sIfrNvg
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on July 21, 2008, 04:27:52 PM
I will try and remember to check that out when I get home.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on July 29, 2008, 09:36:58 AM
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself, and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.

Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and Registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye  didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop, Licence and Registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and Registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on July 29, 2008, 03:12:54 PM
  Irish Boy's Confession


 
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
 
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'
 
'Yes, Father, it is.'
 
'And who was the girl you were with?'
 
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
 
'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
 
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
 
'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
 
'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
 
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
 
Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
 
'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.
 
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: moxie on July 29, 2008, 03:16:45 PM
 :laugh2: Good one.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on July 29, 2008, 07:05:48 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:   That one never gets old.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on September 03, 2008, 11:01:27 AM
EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY


Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 03, 2008, 11:18:27 AM
Nice find!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 03, 2008, 11:19:45 AM
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.

3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 03, 2008, 05:03:05 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on September 03, 2008, 05:32:25 PM
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

Even if he had gone swimming in a cold lake and you took shrinkage into consideration, that's pretty sad.   :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on September 03, 2008, 06:14:54 PM
hoohoo? That's a first.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on September 03, 2008, 06:19:28 PM
A man is having just an awful day.  Everything possible went wrong - really wrong.  It got to the point that all he could do is laugh about it.

Driving home, he got lost in his thoughts and rear-ended a truck.  Oh man, he thinks, this is just friggin' great. 

He watches the guy in front jump out of his truck to confront him and notices that he's a midget.  The midget walks up to his window and says "I'm not happy!" to which the guy responds....OK then, which one are you?


It took my husband a full 5 seconds to get it. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 03, 2008, 06:22:12 PM
hoohoo? That's a first.

Copy and paste, don't think its me but I thought the same.

And good find ST.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Bonzai on September 08, 2008, 04:03:41 PM
The Dog's Diary

  8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
  9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
  9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
  1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
  3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
  5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
  7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
  8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
 


The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!


    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 08, 2008, 04:21:16 PM
^^ very good!! :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on September 10, 2008, 08:49:15 AM
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.


6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what  in the world  is going on.

 


 

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 10, 2008, 08:54:23 AM
Those are great, OS!!! 


With the exception of #23  :icon_fryingpan:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on September 10, 2008, 09:52:38 AM
18.. Procrastinate Now!
Coffee out of my nose, funny !!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on September 10, 2008, 01:28:38 PM
 :icon_bowdown2: :icon_bowdown2: :icon_bowdown2:  Great find!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 10, 2008, 03:46:15 PM
#28 is going on my e-mail signature... :nod:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on September 11, 2008, 12:56:01 PM
Golf !

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies, obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.  And on top of that,
the winner buys the drinks!

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

The term 'Mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul-it-again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it's always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all, you really stink.

If your best shots are practice swings and 'gimme putts', you might want to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are pretty damned expensive!

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is their pencil.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 11, 2008, 12:58:59 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: So damn true!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 11, 2008, 04:42:04 PM
What did the elephant say to the naked man?




How do you breath with that thing?

 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 13, 2008, 12:01:39 PM
(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/oldladies.jpg)

Hope this isn't a repeat.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 16, 2008, 09:00:31 AM
The Naked Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff.  I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy".  So, here I am."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 16, 2008, 10:32:28 AM
^^Good one, BB!!   :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 16, 2008, 11:58:00 AM
PONDERISMS

1.  Can you cry underwater?

2.  How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

3.  Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only "a penny for your thoughts"?  Where's the extra penny going?

4.  Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

5.  Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

6.  What disease did cured ham actually have?

7.  How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

8.  Why is it people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

9.  If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

10.  Why are you IN a movie but you are ON television?

11.  Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

12.  Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see you naked anyway.

13.  Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

14.  If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

15.  Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!

16.  If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

17.  If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

18.  Do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

19.  Why did you just try singing those two songs ^^?

20.  Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

21.  Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?


(Apologies if these have been posted previously....I'm not always up-to-date on this thread!)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on September 16, 2008, 02:58:52 PM
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench, minding their own business, when a flasher comes along and exposes himself to them.

The first old lady had a stroke

The second old lady had a stroke

The third old lady had short arms and couldn't reach.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on September 16, 2008, 03:15:26 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on September 16, 2008, 09:51:58 PM
Jack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

Jack's father said, "Jack, let me tell you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on."  Jacks father continued, "So, she did and replied, 'These are too big, I can't wear these pants.'  So I replied to your mother, 'Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will."'

"Ever since that night we have never had any problems," concluded Jack's father.

"Hmmm," Jack said in reply.  He thought his father's suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that day of new beginnings.  So on, his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, try these on." So she did and said, "These are too large, Jack.  They don't fit me..." Jack replied, "Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as she said, "Here, you try on mine!" As she requested, he tried them.  "I can't get into your pants," Jack said with a question in his tone.  Jill replied, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 17, 2008, 08:52:18 AM
What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shit-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 17, 2008, 10:03:17 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:   :A_laughing_matter:   :A_laughing_matter:   :A_laughing_matter:


All good ones I'll have to share tomorrow with my west coast family members.

See ya in a week.   :byebye: 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on September 17, 2008, 10:07:14 AM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.  'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!  Put in some more butter!
 Oh my gosh!  You're cooking too many at once.  TOO MANY!
  Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW!  We need more butter.  Oh my gosh!  WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
  They're going to STICK!  Careful.  CAREFUL!

 I said be CAREFUL!  You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!  Never!  Turn them!  Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind?

  Don't forget to salt them  You know you always forget to salt them.  Use the salt!  USE THE SALT!  THE SALT!'

 The wife stared at him.  'What in the world is wrong with you?  You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'  The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: sensfan1984 on September 17, 2008, 10:09:31 AM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.  'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!  Put in some more butter!
 Oh my gosh!  You're cooking too many at once.  TOO MANY!
  Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW!  We need more butter.  Oh my gosh!  WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
  They're going to STICK!  Careful.  CAREFUL!

 I said be CAREFUL!  You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!  Never!  Turn them!  Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind?

  Don't forget to salt them  You know you always forget to salt them.  Use the salt!  USE THE SALT!  THE SALT!'

 The wife stared at him.  'What in the world is wrong with you?  You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'  The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
 

 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:

I'm definitely going to use this on the gf!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 17, 2008, 12:44:21 PM
The last few have been very good...but the retired one is priceless!!!  I will have to pass onto my hubby to get him out of the house!  He'd probably enjoy cruising the Market looking for Hornets (because there's no other reason to cruise the Market area, right?  ;) ).
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 18, 2008, 10:54:10 AM
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK   
 
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
 
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
 
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
 
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
 
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. 
 
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
 
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Bonzai on September 18, 2008, 11:03:37 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on September 18, 2008, 12:06:53 PM
Nice one Crusty
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on September 18, 2008, 12:09:01 PM
ZIIIIINGGGG!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on September 18, 2008, 04:13:16 PM
Four nuns are on their way home from a vacation in Vegas, and die in a car crash. They arrive at the pearly gates, and are greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter looks at the nuns and says "Sisters, you've lived your lives in the service of God, and that guarantees your eternal happiness in Heaven. Since you were on your way home from 'Sin City' when you were killed, do you have any sins you wish to confess before passing through the gates?"

The first nun speaks up and says "St. Peter, please forgive me, but I saw a man's penis". St. Peter tells the nun all is forgiven. He points out a fountain beside the pearly gates and tells the nun to splash holy water from the fountain into her eyes before entering Heaven.

The second nun speaks up and says "St. Peter, please forgive me, but I have touched a man's penis. St. Peter tells the nun all is forgiven, directs her to the fountain and tells her to wash her hands with the holy water before entering Heaven.

The fourth nun looks at the third, and asks if she can skip ahead in line. The third nun asks why. The fourth nun says "If I have to gargle water from that fountain, I'd rather do it BEFORE  you dunk your fat ass in it"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on September 19, 2008, 02:10:37 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:

But careful, this is VERY borderline.  :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on September 19, 2008, 07:34:43 AM
This is one of the best I've heard in a while....

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line.

Just one lady in front of me . .. an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, ‘Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?’

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations’ .

The Asian lady says, ‘Fluc you white people, too’.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: fred_the_Senator on September 19, 2008, 10:56:55 PM
The CIA are seeking a new assassin to fill in a dead agents shoes. 
The prospects are nailed down to three possibles, Two men and a woman.

Taking the first man off to the side, they hand him a 9mm and tell him, "Your wife is behind that door.  You are to enter the room, and kill your wife who is waiting for you!"
The man looks at them and tells the agents that he can't kill his wife. "I love her too much to kill her"
He is advised that he is free to leave.

Taking the second man to the side, the agents go through the same steps, advising him that his wife is behind the door and to go in and kill her.
He takes the gun, enters the room and after a few minutes, he comes back out in tears.  " I can't do it, she is my whole life!"
He is advised that he is free to leave.

Lastly, they come to the woman. " Your husband is in the next room.  Go in there and shoot him dead!

She takes the gun without hesitation, enters the room, and almost immediately, six shots are fired.  Moments later, the agents hear screaming, and the sound of furniture breaking.  Concerned, they rush in the room only to find blood everywhere, broken chairs, and the broken body of the womans husband.
"What the hell happened in here?"

The woman reply's " The gun you gave me was loaded with blanks.  It took all that furniture to cave in his skull, only way to kill him"

Moral of the story, Woman is a cold cold beast..

For the slower readers, she wasn't suppose to actually kill him...
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: fred_the_Senator on September 19, 2008, 11:04:02 PM
Two fellas are sleeping out in nature along side a river.  They are woken from their slumber to the sounds of religious music, and the splashing of the water.

The two learn that they can join in for a wonderful breakfast if they get baptized by the priest in the river.

The one fella waits his turn and finally he gets to the baptizimal priest.

"In the name of Jesus.." and he dunks Larry under water.  Pulling him back up he asks " Did you see the lord Jesus my son?"

"No, I saw nothing" he sputters.

"Try it again... In the name of Jesus, I baptize you." and he dunks Larry under water.  Pulling him back up he asks " Did you see the lord Jesus my son?"

Spitting more water out of his mouth, Larry replies again, "No man, I didnt see anything!"

The priest whispers in his ear, " I got a lot of others behind you, play along."  he dunks him a third time.

"Did you see the Lord my son?"

Larry spits out more water and replies " Hell no, I didnt see anyone.  Are you sure this is were the guy fell in???"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on September 21, 2008, 10:30:57 AM
These (or variations thereof) may have been previously posted but they still make me laugh....

ZEN teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass . then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 24, 2008, 12:10:47 PM
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.  It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis...:shock:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 24, 2008, 02:48:33 PM
Bottle of wine   
 

A woman a nd a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.   Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.  God works in mysterious ways.   
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.     
The woman says, 'So, you're a man.  That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!  But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.   
 
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies,  'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
   
MORAL OF THE STORY:  Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us.   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 24, 2008, 03:45:39 PM
Two ladies talking in heaven:
                           
                           
1st woman:  Hi! My name is Wanda.
                         
2nd woman:  Hi! I'm Kelly.  How'd you die?
                         
1st woman:  I Froze to Death.
                           
2nd woman:  How Horrible!
                         
1st woman:  It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
                         
2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
                         
1st woman:  So, what happened?
                         
2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and
died.

1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 24, 2008, 04:05:25 PM
Oh Bones, you little rascal.    :drink:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: fred_the_Senator on September 25, 2008, 10:11:09 PM
Actually was told this today.  The local bulk food provider said that a notice had gone out regarding Maple Leaf and that sickness it ended killing people from.  Turns out that the Warning said:

DUE TO OUTBREAK, ALL MAPLE LEAF ITEMS ARE TO BE DESTROYED.

__in a picture below the warning was a box full of Leaf jersey's, hats and what not. 

A leaf fan saw it and complained.  Said he hadn't gotten sick so there was no need to post something like that....Here is your sign.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: fred_the_Senator on September 25, 2008, 10:13:45 PM
My car is adorned with Senator flags, stickers , toys and whatnot of Senermobilia.  On my head was a Senator hat (don't leave home without it), my Sen Logo T-shirt, and of course my tattoo is visible.  While sitting in the car, drinking from my Senator travel mug, the car beside me asked if I was a Sens fan....
Without missing a beat I replied " Nope, Leaf fan, lost a bet..."   here's your sign....  Some peoples kids..
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on September 28, 2008, 03:28:04 PM
Hippies (according to Ronald Reagan):

"A Hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: sensfan1984 on October 09, 2008, 10:05:38 AM
Q: The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town, and I kissed it.  Do I have to worry about being infected by listeria?


A: You are safe. The Stanley Cup has not been in contact with any Maple  Leaf product in over 40 years.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on October 09, 2008, 12:31:17 PM
Market Definitions


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
 
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
 
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake themselves for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
 
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
 
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
 
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
 
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-spouse and the lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
 
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
 
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
 
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who is now locked up in an institution.

FANNIE MAE - popular DC prostitute who pays the Johns.
 
FREDDIE MAC - star of several financial horror films.
 
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
 
PRUDENCE - An archaic word no longer in use.
 
SEC REGULATIONS - An archaic term no longer in use.
 
CONGRESSIONAL OVERSIGHT - An archaic term no longer in use.
 
RTC - how they screwed us last time.
 

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: fred_the_Senator on October 13, 2008, 07:19:04 PM
fella walks into a bar with a box under his arm.  Upon sitting down he opens the box and a leprachan jumps out.  He orders a beer for himself and a shot of whiskey for his little friend.
After the leprachan drinks his whiskey, he runs over to the guy next to them and spits in his face.  The fella laughs at how funny it was and lets it pass.
Well, the guy orders another beer, and one for his little friend.
After the leprachan drinks his whiskey, he runs over to the guy next to them and spits in his face.  The fella laughs at how funny it was and lets it pass, again, though he is a little miffed at this.
Again, the guy orders a beer and one for his little friend.
After the leprachan drinks his whiskey, he runs over to the guy next to them and just as he is about to spit, the guy grabs him by the front of his little jacket. "If you spit on me one more time, I am gonna cut off your little pecker!"
The leprachaun gives a high pitched laugh and replies, "Jokes on you boyou, Leprachans dont have peckers!"

"You don't?  Wow, then how do you pee?"

"Why" he replies "we spit!!!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: fred_the_Senator on October 13, 2008, 07:24:05 PM
It's the middle of January, and a large snow storm has blown up.  A young blonde can hardly see out the front window when she recognizes the flashing blue light of a snow plow.
Remembering what her father told her, "Now honey, if ever you get caught in a snow squall, follow a snow plow and he will most certainly get you to safety." so she gets in behind the plow and follows it for just over an hour.

The snow plow operator notices the car that has been following him and decides to get out and see what the problem is.

The young blonde tells the operator her story of her old daddy, and says that is why she has been following him.

The plow operator laughs and replies, "Well that is great, now that I am done doing the Wal Mart parking lot, you can follow me over to Zellers"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on October 13, 2008, 07:26:47 PM
A minister, Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender said "what is this, some kind of joke"?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on October 15, 2008, 03:36:33 PM
Can you solve this puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse..
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.





*   Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.   *



Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 17, 2008, 10:44:07 PM
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one
year ago, you
will have $49.00 today. 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,
you will have
$33.00 today. 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers
one year ago, you
will have $0.00 today. 
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year
ago, drank all the
beer, 
then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you
will have
received $214.00. 
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to
drink heavily &
recycle. 
It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American
walks about 900
miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on
average, 22
gallons of alcohol
a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41
miles to the
gallon! 
Makes you proud to be an American!    :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on October 17, 2008, 11:06:19 PM
Brian McGrattan.


...that's it.  That's my joke.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Docawesome on October 18, 2008, 02:29:29 AM
Brian McGrattan.


...that's it.  That's my joke.

ahahahahaha good one. I never thought of it that way.

 8)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: MEAT on October 18, 2008, 09:41:38 AM
Brian McGrattan.


...that's it.  That's my joke.
*sigh*  :shake:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on October 18, 2008, 11:51:57 AM
You offended?  :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: MEAT on October 18, 2008, 11:58:37 AM
You offended?  :laugh2:
Nope, not at all - I'm not easily offended.  ;) Just a lame joke.  :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on October 18, 2008, 12:00:23 PM
Fair enough.  But you have to admit, he is a joke... haha  ... I had a couple players to choose from, but Brian McGrattan was fresh in everyone's minds!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: MEAT on October 18, 2008, 12:04:39 PM
Fair enough.  But you have to admit, he is a joke... haha  ... I had a couple players to choose from, but Brian McGrattan was fresh in everyone's minds!
I'll certainly concede that. :-D
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on October 29, 2008, 10:17:44 AM
Shamelessly lifted from HFBoards.  Too funny.

(http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c124/biggsyyyyyy/InternetToughGuy.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on October 29, 2008, 11:06:39 AM
Damn...I thought that had stopped circulating.  I'm a little older now, but still good looking... :smily1263:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on October 29, 2008, 12:53:58 PM
Damn...I thought that had stopped circulating.  I'm a little older now, but still good looking... :smily1263:

 :A_laughing_matter: The smoke in hand gives you the killer edge!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on October 31, 2008, 12:22:57 PM
Halloween Humour

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.  He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.



A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.  Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 31, 2008, 02:00:23 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on November 03, 2008, 04:04:49 PM
No SEX since 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.  You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: PHJ314 on November 03, 2008, 04:16:27 PM
That's just awesome!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on November 15, 2008, 11:00:06 AM
Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments'.

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
 
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
 
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.  Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
 
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

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(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/cid_18523440302112008-0A0C.jpg)



***Notice the speed radar in the background.










Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on November 15, 2008, 11:41:20 AM
^^^ :A_laughing_matter:   :A_laughing_matter: 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on November 15, 2008, 11:42:16 AM
"SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."

Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.

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(http://www.rimmkaufman.com/content/black_lab_puppy.jpg)

The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was
an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643
calls in two days.



Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on November 15, 2008, 12:02:08 PM
Aaaaaaawwwwwwwww!!!  Sooooooooo cute. 

Good one!  :thumbsup:  Hope she got adopted.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on November 15, 2008, 04:04:31 PM
Senior Job Applicant   (http://www3.sympatico.ca/w.hobbs/walmart%20funny.pdf) :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on November 15, 2008, 05:41:52 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on November 15, 2008, 09:56:27 PM
That's great Dags!!!   :A_laughing_matter:  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on November 15, 2008, 10:06:09 PM
 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Sugar J.Hyde on November 18, 2008, 03:13:50 PM
What's the difference between a Habs fan and a monkey?















It's okay for the monkey to have lice........................
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on November 19, 2008, 08:26:08 AM
One  sunny day at the end January, 2009 an old man approached the White House  from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park  bench.

He  spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like  to go in  and meet with President Bush."

The  Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no  longer president and no longer resides here."

The  old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The  following day, the same man approached the White House and  said to  the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President  Bush."

The  Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush  is no  longer president and no longer resides here."

The  man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The  third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke  to the  very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet  with President Bush."

The  Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the  man and  said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here  asking to  speak to Mr. Bush.  I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no  longer the  president and no longer resides here.  What don't you  understand?"

The  old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand.  I  just love  hearing it."

The  Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow,  Sir."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on November 19, 2008, 10:24:59 AM
Well done!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Sugar J.Hyde on November 20, 2008, 02:35:07 PM
Bush, Cheney '12
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on November 20, 2008, 04:18:09 PM
BEST EXAMPLE WHY TO CHECK YOUR  KIDS' HOMEWORK                     

(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/pic20888.jpg)


Mommy works at Home Depot, she was selling a shovel.    :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on November 20, 2008, 05:49:25 PM
I never saw the explanation of that photo.   :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on November 20, 2008, 10:38:50 PM
BEST EXAMPLE WHY TO CHECK YOUR  KIDS' HOMEWORK                     

(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/pic20888.jpg)


Mommy works at Home Depot, she was selling a shovel.    :A_laughing_matter:

LOL, oh ****!  I have to send that to my step mother, she works at HD!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: pulp on November 20, 2008, 11:21:16 PM
LOL, oh ****!  I have to send that to my step mother, she works at HD!

Does she do PPV scenes too?!

     -pulp "mind in the sewer" 43

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on November 21, 2008, 08:15:47 AM
Does she do PPV scenes too?!

     -pulp "mind in the sewer" 43

 :thumbsup:

I can tell you, you don't want to see that.  Not saying she is ugly, but she just isn't the person you want to see on the pole.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on December 11, 2008, 08:33:54 PM
Robin William's on Obamas election

http://politicalirony.com/2008/11/30/robin-williams-on-obamas-election/
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Budkiller on December 11, 2008, 08:42:18 PM
Not the same Robin Williams we grew up with.....but..... :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 11, 2008, 11:09:06 PM
"The reign of error is over."   :thumbsup:


 :ccclapping:   :ccclapping:   :ccclapping:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 12, 2008, 03:14:53 PM
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY RULE:

If you are sitting at your office Christmas party and realize that you have dated more then half the men in the room, don't get angry when Santa comes up to you and says, "Ho, Ho, Ho."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on December 13, 2008, 08:06:21 AM
Hey, you, Some Guy. It’s me, Some Girl. I guess we might as well have a life together. We’re on a schedule here. I’m in my mid to late twenties; you’re two years older than me. We’re at about the same level of attractiveness. We have comparable educations. I need to mate, and you’ll probably do as well as anyone else. Let’s begin this typical courtship process, shall we?

You want sex? Fine. Roll around on me for a while. Whatever gets this moving. Are you done? Good. Now go tell your friends about it. And have a good time, you won’t be seeing much of them any more.

I guess we should go to some movies and maybe a concert or two. That was nice. Now let’s get in a fight and then make up. Good. Now let’s go camping. While camping, let’s take some pictures of us camping that we can hang up in our cubicles to remind us of the time we went camping. That will be a cherished memory.

Okay, I guess it’s time to move into an apartment together that’s about ten miles away from my parents’ house. Let’s live in this apartment for a year. Let’s go to a Memorial Day barbecue at my parents’ house. Good. Okay, time to get married.

When you propose, don’t try to do anything cute like putting the ring in my wine glass or having a sports mascot bring it to me at a ball game. It’s all been done before, and you are not a very creative person. It would probably just come off as cheesy and forced. Just get down on a knee and get it over with. New Year’s Eve works fine for me.

Our wedding will take place a year-and-a-half from your proposal. It doesn’t really take that long to set up a wedding; I just want to relish the fact that we are getting married for as long as I possibly can. During that time, I will be the center of attention. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my life. I have no aspirations to write a great book that will change the way people think, I don’t want to travel the world and witness the majesty and diversity of foreign lands, I don’t want to dedicate my life to intellectual or philosophical pursuits in an attempt to take my mind places that no one has ever gone- I just want to look skinnier in my dress than my bridesmaids. Okay, that’s done.

After the wedding, I will take a year to reflect upon the wedding. I will send thank-you notes, watch the wedding video countless times with whomever will sit through it with me, and show people pictures from the wedding that they have no interest in seeing.

Soon, everyone will tire of my wedding talk and I will no longer be the center of attention. It is time for us to buy a house, so that I have something else to talk about. It will be a three-bedroom ranch home with a semifinished basement.

You will turn the basement into a rec room with a bar. This will be pointless, as you will rarely see your friends any more, and when you do, they will have neither the desire nor the time to go down and drink in our basement because they’ll have mated too. Your masculine rec room will soon be cluttered with children's toys and my infrequently-used exercise equipment.

When people stop talking to me about our house, I will decide that we should have kids. I will take the fun out of sex by incorporating science and scheduling our intimacy around my ovulation cycle. We will conceive.

We'll Go Bowling Sometimes
When I am pregnant, I will have something to talk to people about again, and everyone will pay attention to me. I will act as if I am the first pregnant person ever. Eventually, I will give birth, just as billions have done before me.

Our children will be adequate, but not spectacular. You will want them to be athletes, but they will lack the size and skill. I will want them to be creative but they will lack the talent and drive. Despite this, they will eventually mate, too.

We will move into a larger house to accommodate our growing family. You will build a deck off the back of the house that we will use twice a summer. We will briefly contemplate an above-ground pool but in the end will decide against it, citing cost and practicality.

There will be several dogs.

We will vacation. Myrtle Beach will be our destination of choice, though we will be no strangers to Orlando.

Our kids will leave and we will move into a condo, citing cost and practicality. We will retire. Now the waiting truly begins.

Our children will provide us with unremarkable grandchildren. We will photograph them and discuss them at length.

You Will Mow Our Lawn
You will die of heart complications. Your funeral will be relatively well-attended and will last for just over an hour. Following it, some of us will go back to the condo where there will be a tray of cold cuts for sandwiches.

I will remain for eight more years, watching television and slipping away into dementia. I will die. Doctors will call it natural causes, but in reality, I will have semiconsciously willed myself to stop breathing out of boredom and defeat. It will be done.

You can pick me up at eight.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on December 13, 2008, 09:15:44 AM
Uh, Merry Christmas to you to SzuperChicky.  Damn, that was depressing!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on December 13, 2008, 10:12:35 AM
Uh, Merry Christmas to you to SzuperChicky.  Damn, that was depressing!
I'll tell you whats really depressing - knowing you only have 3 or 4 more of those things left to do!!!  Damn!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on December 13, 2008, 10:36:14 AM
Scary...

Married... Check
Dogs... Check
3 bedroom ranch styled house... check
Close to wife's parents... check
Distant from old friends... check
Pregnant... check
Built deck (not yet used)... check

Shit.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on December 13, 2008, 10:37:29 AM
A 98-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally. Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the Bathroom, *poof*!, the
light goes on. When I'm done, *poof *!, the light goes off.'


'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof*!, the light goes on in The bathroom, and when he's done, *poof *! The light goes off?'

'OH MY GOD!' Ethel exclaims.
'He's pissing in the fridge again!!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on December 13, 2008, 11:47:57 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 16, 2008, 10:18:29 AM
Sad Christmas News From Ottawa

There will be no Nativity Scene in Ottawa this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Canada's capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the nation's capital.  They continue to search for a virgin.
P.S. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on December 25, 2008, 09:46:48 AM
2 Sides of the Story

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night.  We planned to meet at a bar for a drink.  I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. 
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else.  I asked him, and he said no.

But I wasn't really sure.  So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me.  I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.  Then after about 10 minutes, he  joined  me and to my surprise, we made love. 

But, he still  seemed really  distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but instead I just cried  myself  to sleep.

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I mean, I really think he's seeing  someone else.

His Side of the Story:

The Packers lost.  Got laid though.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 25, 2008, 11:55:42 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:

Ture, oh so true. 

(Excepts ist's the Bills)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: sensfan1984 on December 29, 2008, 01:32:20 PM

You can pick me up at eight.
:A_laughing_matter:

Looks like I might be cancelling that date for Saturday night   :icon_hiding2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 01, 2009, 07:26:03 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIutgtzwhAc
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on January 02, 2009, 12:50:04 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on January 02, 2009, 02:51:37 PM
 :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 04, 2009, 01:34:24 PM
http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=913

warning:  a tad politically incorrect
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 04, 2009, 04:45:44 PM
^^^ Too Funny. 
I remember seeing the show that night.  Thanks for sharing
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on January 12, 2009, 11:09:06 AM
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
 
 
An Alberta couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same  hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. 
 
Because of  hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Calgary and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying  down the following day.
 
 
 
The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email to a wrong person!!
 
 
 
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.   The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.  The widow's son rushed  into the room, found his
 mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
 
 
 
 
 
       To: My Loving Wife
 
       Subject: I've Arrived
 
       Date:  August 8, 2008
 
 
 
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and  you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.    I've just arrived and have been checked in.  I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!  Hope your  journey is as uneventful as mine was.
 
 
 
P. S.  Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 12, 2009, 11:15:31 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 12, 2009, 11:16:54 AM
 :icon_agree:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on January 12, 2009, 11:31:34 AM
STEPHANE DION'S RETIREMENT DINNER

 
At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned to Madame Dion and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such  a busy schedule. How quiet will retirement seem in comparison.
 

What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
 

"A penis," replied Madame Dion.

 
A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next.

Stephane leaned over to his wife and said, "In Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness".

 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 12, 2009, 11:57:30 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:

Although if this did happen Stephan is NOT the person to be correcting ANYBODY'S English. :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: jenniferlin on January 12, 2009, 04:19:26 PM
do you know what chinese hockey players have for breakfast?...........Chelios

what type of meat does the pope eat?..........nun
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 12, 2009, 07:35:02 PM
Warning...this may not be funny to some...

http://www.bygeorge.co.nz/?tag=laptop
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 12, 2009, 08:54:14 PM
Warning...this may not be funny to some...

http://www.bygeorge.co.nz/?tag=laptop


Wooooo..   :A_laughing_matter:   

I don't think I'll try that anytime soon.   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 12, 2009, 10:00:35 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIutgtzwhAc

 :icon_bowdown2: :icon_bowdown2: :icon_bowdown2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on January 13, 2009, 09:59:19 AM
Warning...this may not be funny to some...

http://www.bygeorge.co.nz/?tag=laptop
You know you could get arrested for that.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 13, 2009, 10:50:48 AM
on the airplane?  for sure!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 13, 2009, 11:55:39 AM
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house
is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you
to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on January 15, 2009, 08:44:07 AM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.  This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on January 15, 2009, 12:13:15 PM
Anybody ever hear of Improv Everywhere?  You can catch their stuff on youtube, it's great!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkYZ6rbPU2M&feature=channel
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on January 15, 2009, 12:26:55 PM
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 15, 2009, 01:10:14 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 15, 2009, 06:57:37 PM
 :ccclapping:  :ccclapping: :icon_applause2:   To all three above.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: goaliedave on January 15, 2009, 08:27:22 PM
love them!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 16, 2009, 05:28:02 PM
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

   

Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on January 16, 2009, 05:32:56 PM

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.  :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: jenniferlin on January 16, 2009, 06:17:20 PM
I liked the historian one.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 18, 2009, 10:40:13 AM
November 18, 2008
 
Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy ~
Stunning Break with Last Eight Years

 
In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.  Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.  According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota , some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.  "Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."

The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska .  "Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on January 18, 2009, 10:53:36 AM
http://www.caglecartoons.com/viewimage.asp?ID={DD27979A-CAE4-401A-8272-CA329C763A70}

He will be missed    :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on January 18, 2009, 12:16:47 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: CM, love Cagle Momr

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on January 18, 2009, 12:47:18 PM
classmate.....that sounds like something that Tina Fey would have written!  Excellent!!   :A_laughing_matter:  :A_laughing_matter:

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 18, 2009, 03:30:43 PM
Thanks momr, I have a lot of friends and family to send that to.   

Rose, I can just picuture Tina Fey saying those exact words.  Too funny.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on January 18, 2009, 04:15:27 PM
Thanks momr, I have a lot of friends and family to send that to.  

Rose, I can just picuture Tina Fey saying those exact words.  Too funny.

Sarah Palin was such a "blip" on the screen for me, I pretty much picture/hear Tina Fey whenever I hear anything about Palin!!  Actually, while watching the Golden Globes last week, whenever I saw Tina Fey (and there were plenty of opportunities with all her appearances due to 30 Rock's success at the Globes) my brain was saying "THERE'S Sarah Palin...uh...nope...Tina Fey!" :duh   :D
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on January 19, 2009, 09:41:09 AM
A groanalishis blond joke.
------------------------------

A little smile to start your day!

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway.

So I eased  my car over to  the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and opened  the  trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the  rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked  so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.


To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.  And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a COP pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car  and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not
a happy camper!

"What's going on here?" he said.

"My car has a flat tire", I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the  road?" the COP says with an angry tone.

I just couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 19, 2009, 11:20:46 AM
^^^^ UGH.     :giggles:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 19, 2009, 11:38:07 AM
 :shake:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 19, 2009, 12:11:28 PM
I like it.  Can't wait to share it.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on January 19, 2009, 12:14:03 PM
A groanalishis blond joke.
------------------------------

A little smile to start your day!

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway.

So I eased  my car over to  the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and opened  the  trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the  rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked  so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.


To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.  And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a COP pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car  and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not
a happy camper!

"What's going on here?" he said.

"My car has a flat tire", I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the  road?" the COP says with an angry tone.

I just couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"


 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on January 23, 2009, 02:19:03 PM
Could not stop laughing...watch to the end.

http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on January 23, 2009, 04:43:35 PM
This seems like the best thread for this.


MONTREAL -- The NHL Players Association isn't in the mood to fight another war with the league.

The players aren't exactly pleased with the salary cap they accepted in July, 2005, after a season-long lockout but they held their noses and voted Thursday to extend the Collective Bargaining Agreement for two more seasons. That means the NHL will have labour peace through the 2010-11 season, executive director Paul Kelly announced at a news conference here just before noon.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 23, 2009, 04:53:32 PM
This seems like the best thread for this.


MONTREAL -- The NHL Players Association isn't in the mood to fight another war with the league.

The players aren't exactly pleased with the salary cap they accepted in July, 2005, after a season-long lockout but they held their noses and voted Thursday to extend the Collective Bargaining Agreement for two more seasons. That means the NHL will have labour peace through the 2010-11 season, executive director Paul Kelly announced at a news conference here just before noon.
:crier: :crier: :crier: :crier: :crier:

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 24, 2009, 01:05:14 PM
Could not stop laughing...watch to the end.

http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/

Finally got to watch that with volume and I  turned it off at work before I saw the "show" portion and I gotta say  :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 25, 2009, 12:39:30 PM
Could not stop laughing...watch to the end.

http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/


Tooo, TOOO Funny.   :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on January 25, 2009, 02:27:13 PM
Could not stop laughing...watch to the end.
http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/

WOW!!  Did that guy prepare for his speech or what?!?   :shock:

Very funny.   :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 25, 2009, 06:28:33 PM
Dear  World:
 We,  the United States of America, your top quality supplier of the  ideals
of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for our  2001-2008
 interruption in service. The technical fault that led to  this eight-year
 service outage
 has been located, and the software  responsible was replaced November 4. Early
tests of the  newly installed program indicate that we are now operating
 correctly,  and we expect it to be fully functional  on January 20. We apologize
 for any  inconvenience caused by the outage. We look forward to resuming full
 service and hope to improve in years to come. We thank you for your  patience
 and  understanding,
 Sincerely,
 THE UNITED  STATES OF  AMERICA
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on January 25, 2009, 06:33:44 PM
^^ Good one, classmate!!   :laugh2:

Did you happen to find that on the front page of the new presidential website that was launched at twelve noon on Tuesday? :smily677:

 ;)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on January 26, 2009, 04:12:54 PM
Just got these from a Leaf fan buddy... :paddle:

New Ontario Law:
The O.P.P. are cracking down on speeders heading into Ottawa.
For the first offense,they give you two Senators tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Finals?
A. The Ottawa Senators

Q. What do the Ottawa Senators and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.

Q. How do you keep the Ottawa Senators out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal net.

Q. What do you call an Ottawa Senator with a Stanley Cup ring?
A. A thief.

Q. How many Ottawa Senators does it take to win a Stanley Cup?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q. What do the Ottawa Senators and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 26, 2009, 04:16:34 PM
Just got these from a Leaf fan buddy... :paddle:

New Ontario Law:
The O.P.P. are cracking down on speeders heading into Ottawa.
For the first offense,they give you two Senators tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Finals?
A. The Ottawa Senators

Q. What do the Ottawa Senators and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.

Q. How do you keep the Ottawa Senators out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal net.

Q. What do you call an Ottawa Senator with a Stanley Cup ring?
A. A thief.

Q. How many Ottawa Senators does it take to win a Stanley Cup?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q. What do the Ottawa Senators and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.



Those are pretty funny; however, they could equally and with more hilarity be applied to Leafs fans. :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on January 26, 2009, 04:45:21 PM

Those are pretty funny; however, they could equally and with more hilarity be applied to Leafs fans. :)

Yup they were when the joke was made about the Leafs about 5 years ago. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 26, 2009, 04:46:57 PM
Q. What do the Ottawa Senators and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.

How true!!  been there - done that (the game that is).
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 26, 2009, 04:54:04 PM
Originally posted in The Gutter Forum but due to only 12 views and no replies I guess it either wasn't reaching a larger audience or not that funny.  In either case:

The following excerpts were taken from Disorder in the American Courts, a book published by court reporters detailing actual, word-for-word transcripts from true cases.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
***
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or 35, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
***
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
***
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
***
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's 21.
***
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
***
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
***
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
***
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
***
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
***
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
***
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
***
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: ncjahn on January 27, 2009, 12:00:25 PM
I thought it was funny and forwarded it to my lawyer mother-in-law.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: sensfan1984 on January 27, 2009, 01:16:34 PM
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
:A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on January 27, 2009, 01:20:55 PM
I posted this in the OC Transpo thread but it's to good not to put here to.

OC Transpo Strike Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhsEa1NuPuQ
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 27, 2009, 05:33:32 PM
THE UGLY FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.  He whispered, 'I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!






SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's OLD......NOT DEAD!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 27, 2009, 06:33:14 PM
Could not stop laughing...watch to the end.

http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/
I finally got around to looking at this - HILARIOUS!!  Friends like that will keep you on your toes. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Special J on January 28, 2009, 03:43:52 PM

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Penguins with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey.

"Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 28, 2009, 04:06:20 PM

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"

 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: ncjahn on January 28, 2009, 06:43:03 PM
I'm not sure if that's a sad commentary on our society or really damn funny. Both? I sure laughed.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 29, 2009, 02:12:19 PM
You have to love Newfoundland logic!

 
Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in
a small Newfoundland community.

After several months, Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during
sex and according to her Grandmother, all Newfoundland women are entitled to
a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there
was no trustworthy doctor anywhere along the coast.

The Vet didn't have a clue how he could help out; but he did recall how,
during the hot summer, his Mother and Father, would fan a cow that was
having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and
make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel
over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the
young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from down the shore to wave that big
towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the
Vet. The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have
sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Marilyn went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half
hours.
 
When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice said: 'And that, my son, is how you wave a towel!'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 29, 2009, 05:13:00 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on January 29, 2009, 05:15:27 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:  Good one Jason!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on January 29, 2009, 05:23:49 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:  Hubby's a Newf - I wonder if he'll think it's funny   :shock:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: goaliedave on January 30, 2009, 12:01:23 AM
loved the brainless lawyer part and also the Iraqi one, priceless, thanks!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: goaliedave on January 31, 2009, 09:10:59 PM
A Cape Breton Love Story
 
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Cape Breton wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......................

'F*** off' she said,  'Dere for da funeral.'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 31, 2009, 11:12:18 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: goaliedave on February 01, 2009, 11:50:16 PM
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up whe n the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB &J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Kanata has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on February 02, 2009, 08:20:26 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:

From personal experience??
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
That one made me snort!!
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: sensfan1984 on February 02, 2009, 10:42:01 AM

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 :A_laughing_matter: very true. When I read about the smoke, my first thought was hey I'm going to try that in a big field some time.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on February 02, 2009, 05:02:58 PM
Some of you may have seen this before but I just had to share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSDqXcxZpsE&feature=related
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on February 17, 2009, 08:32:25 AM
On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on February 17, 2009, 04:19:24 PM
Quote
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut

Aint't that the truth.   :A_laughing_matter:     :drink:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on February 28, 2009, 08:41:12 AM
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on February 28, 2009, 09:32:42 AM
How about:

Welcome to Walmart... Get your SH*t and get out."       :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on February 28, 2009, 10:28:50 AM

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 :A_laughing_matter:  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 04, 2009, 09:16:34 PM
http://www.wimp.com/roughlife/

Don't judge too quickly....
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on March 04, 2009, 10:25:01 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:

Especially the dog poop one...
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 11, 2009, 10:51:58 AM
OLD PEOPLE...Forewarned is forearmed!!!

The  auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure Revunue Canada finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

The moral...Don't Mess with Old People!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on March 11, 2009, 12:29:30 PM
PURE GOLD!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on March 11, 2009, 01:02:21 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 11, 2009, 02:09:25 PM

The moral...Don't Mess with Old People!!

And don't forget that either.... :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: goaliedave on March 13, 2009, 12:20:55 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:

good one!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 20, 2009, 10:48:01 AM
Time for some laughs:

A nurse walks into a patient's room and says "I'm sorry Mr. Jones, but your HMO doesn't pay for enema's so I'm going to have to slap the shit out of you."

The SEVEN DWARFS of MENOPAUSE:
Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where shitty ideas come from.


(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/IMSEXY.jpg)

(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/magnets.jpg)



 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on March 20, 2009, 11:09:22 AM
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.



But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on March 20, 2009, 12:19:44 PM
Bad day at the office

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad  day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for  Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore  drilling rigs.

 Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
 She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
 Needless to say, she won.

 'Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad  day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share  my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the  office.  It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

 So what we do to keep warm is this:

 We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, and then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.

 Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with  no complaints.

 What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.

 So, of course, I scratched it.
 This only made things worse.

 Within a few seconds my bum started to burn!
 I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done..

 In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked  up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

 Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick  to it.
 However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate.

 When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the  jellyfish into the crack of my bum.

 I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
 His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers were all laughing hysterically.

 Needless to say I aborted the dive.

 I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my  chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing  nothing but my brass helmet.

 As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running  down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum  as soon as I got in the chamber.

 The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my bum  was swollen shut.

 So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse  it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.

 Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job'.

 Remember whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

 May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 20, 2009, 01:32:25 PM
^^^ I just passed that along to my friends at work as we have been having bad days at work lately.  Maybe not jellyfish bad though.   :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 20, 2009, 01:54:27 PM
Oh man that had me in tears.  Good find.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 20, 2009, 06:02:51 PM
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran , Ruled by Nuts.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on March 20, 2009, 06:30:17 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :drink:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 21, 2009, 05:39:51 PM
Two guys are out taking their dogs for a walk and stroll past the neighborhood watering hole.

The first guy suggests they stop in for a quick drink before heading back home.

The second guy points out the obvious, no bar is going to let dogs in so they might as well forget it and head back home.

The first guy says, "Wait here a minute, then follow my lead."

After the first guy makes it into the bar without incident, the second guy follows suit.

When challenged by the door man the second guy says, "I am blind and this is my seeing-eye dog."

The door man incredulously replies, "You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?"

To which the second guy answers, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on March 26, 2009, 08:09:48 PM
The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US .

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star..

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, assaulted, and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry? !!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on March 29, 2009, 11:24:17 PM
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic.  Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching to the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.  Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.  I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,  "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on March 30, 2009, 01:00:24 PM
    Subject: Two interesting years


                Interesting Year 1981
                1. Prince Charles got married
                2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
                3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
                4. Pope Died

                Interesting Year 2005
                1. Prince Charles got married
                2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
                3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
                4. Pope Died

                Lesson Learned...

                The next time Charles gets married...someone warn the Pope!
           

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 30, 2009, 05:11:32 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: goaliedave on March 30, 2009, 10:47:15 PM
Liverpool forever!

Go Charles!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on April 07, 2009, 02:50:46 PM

>On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate
>from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit
>to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
>who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
>erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I
>drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to
>the medicine man and wondered what would happen
>next.
>
>The old man slowly, methodically produced a
magic potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my
>shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and
>it must be respected. You take only a
>teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do
>that, you will become more manly than you have
>ever been in your life and you can perform as
>long as you want."
>
>I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and
>asked, "How do I stop the medicine from
>working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he
>responded. "But when she does, the medicine will
>not work again until the next full moon."
>
>I was very eager to see if it worked so I went
>home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the
>medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in
>the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my
>clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
>
>Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife
>was excited an d began throwing off her clothes.
>And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
>
>And that, boys and girls, is why we should never
>end our sentences with a preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICPLE!!.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on April 07, 2009, 03:02:07 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:

That's funny!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 07, 2009, 03:26:10 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on April 07, 2009, 03:30:25 PM
 :thumbsup:  I formatted it for ease of cut and pasting.


On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a magic potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited an d began throwing off her clothes.
And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICPLE!!.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on April 07, 2009, 04:14:59 PM
^^^^ That is freaking priceless....and I have a TON of English teachers to send that to!   :A_laughing_matter:  :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on April 07, 2009, 06:23:01 PM
^^^^ That is freaking priceless....and I have a TON of English teachers to send that to!   :A_laughing_matter:  :A_laughing_matter:

Especially if they are the type that enjoy being the 'grammar police' online   :icon_angry2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on April 07, 2009, 06:30:38 PM
 :icon_applause2:

I am going to send it to my son who always likes to correct his brother and sister's English.

And..... he always LOVEs to get these kind of jokes from his Mom.   :P
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on April 07, 2009, 07:11:00 PM
:icon_applause2:

I am going to send it to my son who always likes to correct his brother and sister's English.

And..... he always LOVEs to get these kind of jokes from his Mom.   :P


I already sent it to my English-majoring daughter and she has spread it through the Faculty of Education Centre where she works part-time on campus!  She reports much laughter in her office today as people clicked on their emails.  She said was welcome relief as it's snowing today where she is too and people were NOT in good humour due to the weather!   :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on April 08, 2009, 01:24:58 PM
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.


He Said:
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and Applause

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went; "ahhhh!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 08, 2009, 02:20:45 PM
 :icon_agree:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on April 09, 2009, 11:22:20 AM
Because I'm a man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.  Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and evrything, I wouldn't know where to start.'  We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.  You're a woman.  You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
 
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.'  For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
(applies to engineers mainly).
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.  The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex.  I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.  Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.

And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.  Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards..then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
 
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.  I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without it, looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on April 09, 2009, 01:07:35 PM
Can you tell nobody is busy at work today?

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
 
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on April 09, 2009, 02:06:49 PM
Nope - not busy at all.....     :spin:

 Skip and his wife Lynne  went to the state fair every year, And every year Skip would say,
'Lynne ,  I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Lynne always replied, 'I know Skip, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Lynne and Skip went to the fair, and Skip said, 'Lynne, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Lynne replied, 'Skip that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Skip and Lynne agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard..
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Skip and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't--I'm impressed!'
Skip replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Lynne fell out, but you know ... fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on April 09, 2009, 02:55:00 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on April 10, 2009, 07:29:38 PM
It's not a joke but some of you appear to have friends who are English teachers (and for those who just feel the need to edit):

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
      And the last one...
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
~~~
© John Mark Ministries. Articles may be reproduced in any medium, without applying for permission (provided they are unedited, and retain the original author/copyright information - and perhaps a reference to this website :-): http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/6683.htm
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on April 11, 2009, 05:54:54 PM
Well, with the golf season arriving sooner than hoped...

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my child?” the priest asks back.

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the priest again.

“Well, no,” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.

“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

“You missed the putt, didn’t you?” sighed the priest.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on April 11, 2009, 05:57:37 PM
At the end of the year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.  While he was checking the books, he said to the Rabbi, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.  What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi.  "We save them and then send them back tot he candle maker, and every now and again they send us a box of complete candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.  On he went in his obnoxious way, "What about all these matzo (bread) purchases?  What do you do with all the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.  "We collect them and send them back tot he manufactures, and every now and again they send us a box of complete matzo."

"I see," replied the frustrated auditor, now thinking harder about how he can fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.  "Well Rabbi, what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions that you perform?"

"Here too we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.  "We save up all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and every now and again they send us a back a complete dick."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: goaliedave on April 11, 2009, 11:15:45 PM
those last bunch are freaking awesome! Keep them coming!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on April 12, 2009, 04:54:08 PM
 A Night With "The Girls"
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on April 12, 2009, 07:25:31 PM
Ottawa management.   
That's it.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on April 12, 2009, 08:11:58 PM
Ottawa management.  
That's it.

 :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on April 15, 2009, 08:29:16 PM
15 Things it takes years to learn

1. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

2. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe we are excellent drivers.

4. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

5. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

6. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

7. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

8. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

9. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle and too much make-up.

10. You should not confuse your career with your life.

11. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

12. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

13. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on April 15, 2009, 08:43:20 PM
Number 7 is for you Rose!   :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on April 15, 2009, 08:52:20 PM
Number 8 is for everyone who lives in Ottawa.  You know it's summer when the protests on and around The Hill start.  I understand it as a symbol but it gets tiring as a resident. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on April 15, 2009, 10:29:15 PM
12.  For anyone hanging around an internet discussion board.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on April 19, 2009, 07:22:50 PM
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It may take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick.    :A_laughing_matter:

(gutter material??)  My other one is for sure. Check it out.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on April 19, 2009, 07:25:20 PM
 :laugh2:

Well, technically that's what happens... sooo, I think its safe here.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on April 19, 2009, 07:29:10 PM
:laugh2:

Well, technically that's what happens... sooo, I think its safe here.

Aww biology, ya gotta love it.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on April 19, 2009, 08:42:07 PM
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It may take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick.    :A_laughing_matter:

(gutter material??)  My other one is for sure. Check it out.


groanalishish
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on April 20, 2009, 09:20:05 PM
    LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
    1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
    2. A will is a dead giveaway.
    3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
    4. A backward poet writes inverse.
    5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
    6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
    7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
    8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
    9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
    10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
    11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
    12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
    13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
    14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
    15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
    16. A calendar's days are numbered.
    17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
    18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
    19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
    20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
    21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
    22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
    23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
    24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
    25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
    26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
    27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
    28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
    29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
    30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
    31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
    32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
    33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
    35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
    39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
    41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
    43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
    44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on May 05, 2009, 01:00:21 PM
The Irish Diesel Fitter

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
 
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.'  I  sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his Computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
 
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.  He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers' are unskilled labour and 'Diesel Fitters' are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy.  'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says:

'Yep, diesel fitter.'
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 06, 2009, 02:44:32 PM
Anger Management

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
     
I found the number and dialled it.
     
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
     
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
     
Suddenly a maniacal voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!'  And the phone was slammed down on me.
     
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
     
When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
     
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
     
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an *******!' And hung up.
     
I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, And put it in my desk drawer.
       
Every couple of weeks, When I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an *******!'  It always cheered me up.
     
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic  '*******' Calling would have to stop.
     
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi,  this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
         
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
     
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an *******!' And hung up.
     
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
     
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
     
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
     
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
     
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial,)  I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.
     
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
       
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
     
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
   
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree  Blvd , in Fairfax .. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
     
I asked, 'What's your name?'
   
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'
       
I asked, 'When's  a good time to catch you, Don?'
     
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
   
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
     
He said, 'Yes?'
     
I said, 'Don, you're an *******!'
     
Then I hung up, And added his number to my speed dial, too.
     
Now, when I had a problem, I had two ****** to call.
     
Then I came up with an idea...
     
I called ******* #1.
   
He said, 'Hello.'
   
I said, 'You're an *******!' (But I didn't hang up.)
   
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
     
I said, 'Yeah!'
     
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
     
I said, 'Make me,'
     
He asked, 'Who are you?'
   
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
   
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
     
I said, '*******, I live at 34  Oaktree  Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
       
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
     
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,'  and hung up.
     
Then I called ******* #2.
     
He said, 'Hello?'
     
I said, 'Hello, *******,'
     
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
     
I said, 'You'll what?'
     
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
     
I answered, 'Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
     
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
       
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..
       
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
   
I got there just in time to watch two ****** beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
       
I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on May 06, 2009, 04:05:51 PM
Anger Management

    
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
      
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..
      
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
  
I got there just in time to watch two ****** beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
      
I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Too long to quote the whole thing but oh man can I say.... :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Little Johnny's Field Trip to the Farm
Post by: OS on May 28, 2009, 10:21:27 AM
Little Johnny's Field Trip to the Farm


(http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b324/atvds1210/Johnny.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on May 28, 2009, 10:44:48 AM
Little Johnny's Field Trip to the Farm


(http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b324/atvds1210/Johnny.jpg)

And the farmer is brought up on charges for speaking so crassly to the little darlings ;)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on May 28, 2009, 08:57:55 PM
THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA                                         
                                                                           
  Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't   
  mean they don't love you with all they have.  Ralph and Edna were both   
  patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the 
  hospital swimming pool.  Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.         
                                                                           
  He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there..                     
                                                                           
  Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled   
  him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act 
  she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she   
  now considered her to be mentally stable.                                 
                                                                           
  When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
  bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able 
  to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of   
  the person you love.  I have concluded that your act displays sound       
  mindedness.                                                               
                                                                           
  The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe     
  belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'           
                                                                           
  Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.  How soon 
  can I go home?'                       
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 28, 2009, 10:30:36 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on May 29, 2009, 08:46:03 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 04, 2009, 01:28:34 PM
A little known fact....


The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: ncjahn on June 04, 2009, 08:26:42 PM
A little known fact....


The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important. 

We were thinking about the continuation of the species first. Yeah...
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on June 04, 2009, 09:41:07 PM
Cute joke but I'm pretty sure they were wearing hockey helmets back in the 20's.  Anyone here remember "King of Hockey"?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on June 05, 2009, 01:48:12 PM
Scary Thought!

Don't know if this is just a coincidence but...

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds around the globe.
It gets worse...

Next year...

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock...

what could possibly go wrong?

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on June 08, 2009, 02:07:11 PM
A little known fact....


The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important. 
This shouldn't surprise anyone.
Men have been thinking with their little head since the beginning of time .
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on June 08, 2009, 04:03:19 PM
That's because a bump in the head pales in comparisson to a slight tweak to the little fella and his friends  :popcorn:
Title: Sports Page Sensitivity Test
Post by: OS on June 10, 2009, 08:51:34 AM
Sports Page Sensitivity Test

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.   
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience. 
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.  You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth. 
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

==================

Evaluating Results:

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy.  You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 10, 2009, 09:03:08 AM
 :shake:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: stone169 on June 10, 2009, 09:06:48 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on June 10, 2009, 09:44:05 AM
How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should already be open when she brings it to you.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: moxie on June 10, 2009, 09:56:09 AM
How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should already be open when she brings it to you.
:laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Bonzai on June 10, 2009, 10:10:22 AM
10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 10, 2009, 11:33:23 AM
^^^ Now THAT one is funny.   :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 10, 2009, 08:59:31 PM
 A little girl ran to her Grandfather, jumped into his arms and gave him a great big hug.
Then she ran her hands over his balding head and down the side of his wrinkled face.
"Did God make you Granddad?", she asked.
"Yes honey, He made me."
She felt her own cheek and then asked,
"Did God make me too?"
"Yes honey, He made you too."
"Well" she shrugged,
"Don't you think He is doing a better job now then he used to"?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on June 10, 2009, 09:20:07 PM
^  Cute.  Reminds me of an old quote, "Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art."   :nod:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on June 12, 2009, 02:20:54 PM
(http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u306/homeboss00/Leafs.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on June 12, 2009, 03:09:34 PM
A bit of a groaner, but since I know there are a few other members that work in IT/software development ...

Q.  How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A.  None, it's a hardware problem.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 12, 2009, 07:15:44 PM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very     
 Sexy nightie.                                                             
 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'               
 So he tied her up and went golfing.



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the 
 house.                                                                     
 She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack     
 your bags. I won the lottery!'                                             
 The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain 
 stuff?'                                                                   
 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'   


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.       
 First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.                       
 The optician showed him a card with the letters                           
                                                                           
  'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'                                               
 'Can you read this?' the optician asked.                                   
 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'   


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was     
 drafted by the Army.                                                       
 On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.           
 That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.                   
 On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.                   
 That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.                 
 On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap...                     
 The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 13, 2009, 06:47:37 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on June 22, 2009, 09:06:23 PM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very    
 Sexy nightie.                                                             
 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'              
 So he tied her up and went golfing.

That reminds me of my house a few weeks ago. After dinner, my wife undid a few buttons of her blouse, looked at me, and told me to prove to her that I'm a man. I got drunk and watched hockey.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 23, 2009, 10:35:11 PM
INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS                           
                                                                           
 One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer   
 of the church staring up at a large plaque . It was covered with names and
 small American flags mounted on either side of it.  The six-year old had   
 been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood   
 beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning  Alex.'             
 'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor,   
 what is this? '                                                           
 The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
 who died in the service.'                                                 
                                                                           
 Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally,   
 little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,         
                                                                         
                                                                               
    'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?                                 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 23, 2009, 10:59:58 PM
Cute  :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on June 24, 2009, 10:34:30 AM
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.  Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.  Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.  Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.  After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.  The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.  The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Hareley to pick up chicks.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on June 24, 2009, 11:44:40 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:   Not bad for two creatures without opposing thumbs :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 24, 2009, 07:07:20 PM
...his hangy-down thing ...?
Now THAT'S a new name for it!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 24, 2009, 07:15:46 PM
The Vulgar Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.  The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.  Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled
back.  John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.  For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.  As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on July 11, 2009, 08:13:32 AM
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easie st to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on July 11, 2009, 08:48:57 AM
Jesus improves math scores

A young boy was in school and was having a terrible time with his mathematics.

His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement. His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school.

They decided to try a Catholic school but not until after they had given the matter serious consideration as neither parent was religious. They checked around and the school seemed to have a good academic record, so they reluctantly enrolled their son in the new school.

Immediately the boy’s math marks soared. He went from a failing grade to become an A student. His parents were surprised at the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his improvement.

“Was it better teaching” they asked and the boy said “No the teachers are about the same”.

“Was it a different text book?” Again the boy said “No it is the same text book”

Finally they asked their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement. The boy said “the
first day I went to school I knew they took their math seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious consequences.”

The parents asked what made him realize the school took math so seriously. The boy answered ” the first
thing I saw when I went into the classroom was a statue of some guy nailed to a plus sign”.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on July 15, 2009, 09:53:24 AM
His and Her Remote controls

HIS

http://tinyurl.com/kuguqf

HERS
 
http://m4eva.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/remote1.jpg
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on July 15, 2009, 10:33:01 AM
His and Her Remote controls

HIS

http://tinyurl.com/kuguqf

HERS
 
http://m4eva.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/remote1.jpg

Now..... where exactly can I get one of those???
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on July 16, 2009, 11:23:26 AM
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.............

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast,
he replies "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping
his rear with every step. 

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" 

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"           
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on July 16, 2009, 12:21:35 PM
OMG - I nearly choked on my lunch from laughing.  joke of the year!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Bonzai on July 16, 2009, 02:13:54 PM
Now that was a good one.... :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on July 16, 2009, 02:16:19 PM
 :ccclapping:  :A_laughing_matter:  Great joke!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on July 16, 2009, 03:00:56 PM
 :ccclapping:   :ccclapping:   :ccclapping:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on July 16, 2009, 08:58:36 PM
Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: a Yale
graduate, and a Newfoundlander.

They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a
poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.

The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:

'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND,
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO,
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU'.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE LADIES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU'!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on July 16, 2009, 09:06:49 PM
 :ccclapping:   :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on July 16, 2009, 09:23:19 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on July 23, 2009, 08:02:38 AM
     
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
 
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
 
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
 
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
 
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he
drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
 
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
 
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes,  straightened his bent antenna, and
looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his  big,green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
 
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied -

'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on July 23, 2009, 10:11:57 AM
Thank you for purchasing The Hillbilly Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines brought to you by Rob & Tim, straight outta the Halton Hills.
Enjoy!
 

1) Did you fart?  Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?  Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.  I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?  Cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?  Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on July 23, 2009, 11:50:35 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :ccclapping:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: goaliedave on July 25, 2009, 02:38:44 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:  awesome!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on July 26, 2009, 09:35:30 AM
Amusing tech support enquiry and answer:  http://www.blueanything.com/dear-tech-support/
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on July 26, 2009, 02:22:02 PM
Let's Face It. English Is a Stupid Language.

There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why hasn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down,
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers,
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all.)

That is why:
When the stars are out they are visible,
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts,
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: goaliedave on July 27, 2009, 09:05:48 PM
Little Johnnie was failinggrade 3 and his parents had tried different teachers and and tutors and the school across town to no avail. In desperation, they convinced the local Catholic school to take him. Astonishingly, Little Johnnie's arithmatic marks shot way up. When his mother asked him why he was doing so well, Johnnie said "Well, I knew they took their arithmatic seriously when I entered the school and saw a statue of a guy nailed to a big Plus sign."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on July 29, 2009, 01:40:52 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on July 30, 2009, 12:06:09 PM
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
 ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on July 30, 2009, 12:19:37 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on July 31, 2009, 06:54:44 PM
Men strike back!     Meet Marvin, Maxine's friend.

(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/1.jpg)                                                   
                                                                           
   How many men does it take to open a beer?                               
   None. It should be open when she brings it.                             
   -----------------------------------------------------------             
   Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?               
   Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably   
   never be able to support you.                                           
   -----------------------------------------------------------             
   Why do women have smaller feet than men?                                 
   It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows                     
   them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.                               
   -----------------------------------------------------------             
   How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?           
   When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'                 
   -----------------------------------------------------------             
 
 How do you fix a woman's watch?                                           
 You don't. There is a clock on the oven.                                   
 ----------------------------------------------------------                 
 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the   
 front door, who do you let in first?                                       
 The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in.                   
 -- ---------- ----------------------------------------------               
  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 
 90%.                                                                       
 It's called a Wedding Cake.                                               
  ----------------------------------------------------                     
 Why do men die before their wives?                                         
 They want to..                                                             
 ------------------------------------------------------                     
 Women will never be equal to men                                           
 until they can walk down the street with a bald head                       
 and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.                             
                              
                                                                           
 AND MAXINE SAYS..............'MARVIN'...     

(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/2.gif)

Maxine had to get the last word, of course.           
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: goaliedave on August 01, 2009, 03:45:06 PM
I think this belongs in the joke thread...  here's a video that is pretty funny at least the 1st 20 minutes. It's called the Definition of Stupidity and is funded by the Canadian government (insert obvious joke here) .Highlights:
- around 10:40 they show a few secs of the streaker on the ice in Edmonton, unconscious and *ahem* pointing skyward
- around the 20 min mark they start talking about TV but eventually lots of jackass footage
- around the 52 minute mark they talk briefly about religion

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2599954293614654567 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on August 05, 2009, 08:42:23 AM
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says..

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.
 
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .


Wait for it. . .



It's coming. . .



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says....
 


"You just happened to catch my eye."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on August 05, 2009, 09:11:33 AM
Groooooan. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on August 05, 2009, 12:42:53 PM
Groooooan. 
:icon_agree: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on August 07, 2009, 10:39:28 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:

It;s funny because you know the catch line has something to do about the eye, it's something you can "see" from a mile away, just not sure how exactly it would be executed.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on August 07, 2009, 08:03:18 PM
Little Old Lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent they stink terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on August 07, 2009, 09:06:39 PM
^^^ Nothing better then a good old fart joke is there?  :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Sens2010 on August 08, 2009, 12:55:09 PM
I've got a drinking problem. If I drink 2 cases of beer a week, how much will I drink in one year?

What do chinese hockey players have for breakfast? Chelios

what type of meat does the pope eat? nun
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on August 08, 2009, 04:47:32 PM
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together in the great hall and says to them:

"I have something very important I must tell you all. For the first time in our history, we have a case of gonorrhoea here in the convent."

"Thank God!" said an elderly nun at the back of the hall. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on August 08, 2009, 05:19:26 PM
hehe
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on August 09, 2009, 07:29:58 PM
Management Lesson 101:  Quick Lesson in Management
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.  The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few
seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up,
you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care
in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large
field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out
and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on August 10, 2009, 10:07:45 AM
You know it's slow when most of your e-mail is jokes... :laugh2:

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. 
   
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." 
 
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. 
 
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?" 
   
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on August 12, 2009, 09:50:29 AM
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on August 12, 2009, 10:17:21 AM
Love it!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on August 15, 2009, 01:47:50 PM
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
 HONEY,
 COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
 IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
 HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
 FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
 DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
 GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO.
  THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
 WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
 DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ACROSS MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO
 FINE, SHE SAYS
 THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
 TO THE FRONT DOOR?
 THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
 I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
 WANT TO FIX STEPS
 HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
 ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO
 I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
 I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
 COUPLE OF HOURS...............................
 HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
 HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
 TO GO HOME
 AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
 THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
 AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
 AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
 THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
 HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
 SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
 JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
 WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
 HE OFFERED TO DO ALL TH E REPAIRS, AND
 ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
 GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE.
 THE HUSBAND SAYS:
 SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
 HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
 ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on August 15, 2009, 03:24:07 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on August 15, 2009, 06:09:06 PM
Love it!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on August 19, 2009, 09:17:09 AM
I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.  She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of Canada some day.

Both her parents, NDP supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the NDP Party!"

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.  I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that.  You can come over
to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my yard and I'll pay you $50.  Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless
guy hangs out.  You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $50?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on August 19, 2009, 02:53:59 PM
Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
 
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: ncjahn on August 19, 2009, 03:07:49 PM
I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.  She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of Canada some day.

Both her parents, NDP supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the NDP Party!"

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.  I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that.  You can come over
to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my yard and I'll pay you $50.  Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless
guy hangs out.  You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $50?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.



Perfect.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on August 19, 2009, 03:17:10 PM
2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you.' 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 

'What did I tell you?' said the barber.  'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son!  May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
 
The boy licked his cone and replied,  'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on August 20, 2009, 12:21:35 PM
2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you.' 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 

'What did I tell you?' said the barber.  'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son!  May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
 
The boy licked his cone and replied,  'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'


Genius - hire that kid!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on August 26, 2009, 09:33:38 AM
Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on August 26, 2009, 12:57:05 PM
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
 HONEY,
 COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
 IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
 HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
 FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
 DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
 GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO.
  THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
 WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
 DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ACROSS MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO
 FINE, SHE SAYS
 THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
 TO THE FRONT DOOR?
 THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
 I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
 WANT TO FIX STEPS
 HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
 ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO
 I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
 I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
 COUPLE OF HOURS...............................
 HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
 HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
 TO GO HOME
 AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
 THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
 AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
 AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
 THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
 HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
 SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
 JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
 WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
 HE OFFERED TO DO ALL TH E REPAIRS, AND
 ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
 GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE.
 THE HUSBAND SAYS:
 SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
 HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
 ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO!

:A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: 3dfan on September 01, 2009, 10:25:10 AM
My friend today told me a joke - called Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."  :banana:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on September 04, 2009, 07:02:43 AM
A Genie came to three guys and told them each of them had one wish to make. The first one wished he had a nice Car. Then a car appered infront of him. Then the second one wished he had 1 billion dollers. And then he found a 1 billion doller check in his pocket. The last one wished he was irresistible to women. And then he turned into a chocolate.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 05, 2009, 06:37:14 PM
Hope this has not been posted before.......

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in New York City public school system.  Apparently all the teachers were reprimanded.

1.   Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2.   I would not allow this student to breed.

3.   Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4.   Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5.   Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6.  The student has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

7.   This child has been working with glue too much.

8.   When your daughter's IQ reaqches 50, she should sell.

9.   The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10.   If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11.   It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12.   The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 05, 2009, 06:46:50 PM
Actual comments made by police officers (taken off police car videos from around the U.S.).

1.  "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2.   "Relax.  The handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3.   "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4.   "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5.   "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you."

6.   "You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7.  "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor but I don't think it will help.  Oh...did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

8.   "Warning!  You want a warning?  Okay.  I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9.   "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10.   "Fair? You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11.   "Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12.   "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

13.   "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

14.   I"m glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours.  Good to know you know someone who can post your bail."

15.   "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right...we don't."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 05, 2009, 07:39:30 PM
Quote
"You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
Quote
"How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
Quote
"Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
:A_laughing_matter:

Quote
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right...we don't."

Ouch, another woman who thought she could get through life on just her looks.  The others I'm talking about are the "super models" with attitudes. :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 05, 2009, 10:32:39 PM
My nephew has a friend who just graduated from Navy flight school  As a reward it is customary to buy yourself a fancy sports car.  As this friend was going about 110 down a southern highway he was pulled over by police.  The cop walked up to his car and said "Boy, can I see your pilot's license?"  The guy pulls out his actual pilots license and showed the cop who promptly handed it back to him and said, "Have a nice night." 

 :nod:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on September 06, 2009, 08:40:47 AM
Actual comments made by police officers (taken off police car videos from around the U.S.).

1.  "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2.   "Relax.  The handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3.   "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4.   "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5.   "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you."

6.   "You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7.  "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor but I don't think it will help.  Oh...did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

8.   "Warning!  You want a warning?  Okay.  I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9.   "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10.   "Fair? You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11.   "Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12.   "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

13.   "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

14.   I"m glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours.  Good to know you know someone who can post your bail."

15.   "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right...we don't."

 :A_laughing_matter:

Thats is halirious. Where did u get these things from
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 06, 2009, 08:56:41 AM
^^ got them via my emails.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on September 06, 2009, 09:05:45 AM
ohh ok
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 06, 2009, 10:53:12 AM
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 a.m." and left it where he knew she would find it before going to bed that night. 

The next morning, the man woke up only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.  The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m.  WAKE UP!"

Men are just not equipped for these kinds of contests.



WIFE VERSUS HUSBAND

A couple drive down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.  An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.  As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked his wife sarcastically,  "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep,"  the wife replied, "in-laws."



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.  As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  "  So, do you always carry your TV remote?"  I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN.....A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE

I know I'n not going to understand women.  I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root and still be afraid of a spider.



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use in a day....30,000 to a man's 15,000.  The wife replied simply, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on September 07, 2009, 02:23:59 PM
Bumper Stickers for Women

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: SzuperChicky on September 07, 2009, 07:12:36 PM
I've already posted this (over a year ago), but it is related to the cop comments...

My friend's brother works as a cop inside the Toronto area.  One night after a Leafs game he stopped an SUV that ran a red light.  He pulled the SUV over and Trevor Kidd was driving.  Without hesitation my friend's brother asks, "Hey Trevor, what's going on?  You usually have the red light on behind you, not in front of you."


Edited:  Bad grammar  :oops
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 07, 2009, 07:15:54 PM
I've already posted this (over a year ago), but it is related to the cop comments...

My friends brother works as a cop inside the Toronto area.  One night after a Leafs game he stopped an SUV (or whatever it was) that ran a red light.  He pulled the SUV over and Trevor Kidd was driving.  Without hesitation my friend asks, "Hey Trevor, what's going on?  You're usually have the red light on behind you, not in front of you."


 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on September 08, 2009, 04:03:11 AM
Nice one Szuper
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 08, 2009, 12:26:53 PM
Nymphomaniacs Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.  He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
 
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
 
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
 
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
 
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
 
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best.
 
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
 
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."



Proud Father's

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.  After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room and those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: ' We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 08, 2009, 01:16:59 PM
 :icon_applause2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on September 08, 2009, 02:10:16 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 08, 2009, 04:33:57 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on September 09, 2009, 04:01:23 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:.
Thats halirious.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 13, 2009, 08:46:27 AM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
 
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
 
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?  Dinner is cold .... and I'm  not reheating it."  And on-and-on-and-on ...........
 
Too shattered to play his usual role in this all too familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of  whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub ..... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs..
 
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was  told  that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution, after all..   Wright would not be hanged tonight.
 
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
 
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
 
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
 
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 13, 2009, 08:50:30 AM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you?  My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?  I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right.  This sight is fantastic.  I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.  Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!  Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.... He's naked too!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the husband impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here"

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 13, 2009, 12:39:12 PM

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the husband impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here"



 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 14, 2009, 12:49:53 PM
Appears I get nothing for weeks, then a bunch of good ones all at once...

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions... 

Q..  Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde:  Loneliness!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No....wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency....

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.   

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on September 14, 2009, 01:03:31 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 14, 2009, 04:04:40 PM
Quote
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 17, 2009, 01:45:24 AM
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


BARACK OBAMA:  The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE!  The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MCCAIN:  My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:  When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road.  This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.

DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road.  What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems.

OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.  So, instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.  The chicken is either against us or for us.  There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.....

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross and I was misled about the chicken's intentions.  I am not for it now and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE - HEADLINE NEWS:  That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY!!!  You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.  I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.  No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road?  Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To dies in the rain.    Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay!  Can't you people see the plain truth?  That's why they call it the "other side".  Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.  And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.  I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side'.  That chicken should not be crossing the road.  It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Somebebody told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting?  In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting annd went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2009 which will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.  Internet Explorer is an integral part of the eChicken.  This new platform is much more stable and will never cra....$#&%.......reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.  What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on September 17, 2009, 03:49:38 PM
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
 
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 17, 2009, 03:58:56 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on September 18, 2009, 12:59:52 AM
I figured there was no point for a new thread, but this is hilarious. Accidental swearing on the air. Supposed to be "keep plucking that chicken". And look at the woman anchor's face after it happened.  :A_laughing_matter:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdnXYWSa56w
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on September 18, 2009, 02:01:55 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:  I wish there was a camera on the off-camera crew.  They must have mirrored her look! 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 18, 2009, 07:18:13 AM
Ooops, I wonder if they apologized for it, because typically they do once they realize what was said.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 21, 2009, 07:39:09 PM
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX ?   
   (because they are plugged into a genius)
----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?     
    (they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------   
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

-------------------------------------------------------
     (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?   
 (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
----------------------------------------------   
5.. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
 (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------   
6. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
 (don't know.....it never happened)
-------------------------------------------------------------
7. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
     (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
---------------------------------------------------------
My favorite:
8. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
 (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they  vapor lock)

---------------------------------------------
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' 

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' 
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
 
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 22, 2009, 01:50:12 AM
Those are excellent!!^^^  especially "I'll miss you."    :howdy:    :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 22, 2009, 09:55:19 AM
Now those hurt!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on September 22, 2009, 01:23:01 PM
Drafting Guys over 60 ---- obviously written by a Former Soldier-
 
 
New Direction for any war:  Send Service Vets over 60!
 
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
 
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
 
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts!  I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
 
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get  up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....
  
If  captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
 
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
 
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
 
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
  
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
 
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
  
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

 
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
  
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we  will have it secured the first night!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 22, 2009, 01:43:27 PM
Quote of the  day:
 
Whatever you give a woman, she will  make it greater.  If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.  If you  give her a house, she'll give you a home.  If you give her groceries,  she'll give you a meal.  If you give her a smile, she'll give you her  heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on September 22, 2009, 03:53:27 PM
^^Great quote!!  And, oh so true!! :nod:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 22, 2009, 10:02:18 PM
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over.  'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.'

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on September 23, 2009, 05:59:22 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:  my husband will like that one (and then start wearing more hats!!)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: PHJ314 on September 24, 2009, 10:45:05 AM
Not a joke...but funny none the less:

(http://static.funnyjunk.com/gifs/04vbsam2l.gif)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 25, 2009, 08:56:47 AM
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.  So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office. 

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,  ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?'

The lawyer thought for a moment and said,  ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’ 

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled,  ‘Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,’  says the lawyer,  ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

'Thirdly,’  the lawyer said,  ‘did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said,  ‘I'm so sorry.  I had no idea.’ 

And then the lawyer said,  ‘So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on September 25, 2009, 09:35:50 AM
Not a joke...but funny none the less:

(http://static.funnyjunk.com/gifs/04vbsam2l.gif)

Looks familiar tp what happened to me at the hands of my wife.  I was in the hall way and she was in the kitchen.  Just as she came out of the kitchen to enter the hallway I jumped out "BOO!", without hesitation she wound up and punched me.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 25, 2009, 09:40:25 AM
Looks familiar tp what happened to me at the hands of my wife.  I was in the hall way and she was in the kitchen.  Just as she came out of the kitchen to enter the hallway I jumped out "BOO!", without hesitation she wound up and punched me.

That'll learn ya. :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on September 25, 2009, 09:45:57 AM
Sign that kid up!!!  Who needs Yabo!!   :D
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on September 26, 2009, 01:21:42 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-J7y1_Z2kc

This guy is hilirious u have to watch him

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MT2yEvreVc&feature=related

watch this one too
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on September 27, 2009, 09:15:52 AM
Now We Know

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like
the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on September 27, 2009, 09:30:23 AM
^^^^^ :A_laughing_matter:
Thats really funny
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 28, 2009, 02:52:38 PM
God Loves Blondes :

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.  Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray.  "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays.  "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving.  I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this...... Buy a ticket."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 28, 2009, 02:58:26 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 30, 2009, 10:25:51 AM
A Newfie and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking.  It had been barking for hours and hours.
 
Suddenly the Newfie jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and he goes downstairs.
 
The Newfie finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still  barking. What have you been doing?"
 
The  Newfie says, "I've put the dog in our yard.  Now let's see how THEY like  it!'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on September 30, 2009, 01:17:22 PM
A Newfie and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking.  It had been barking for hours and hours.
 
Suddenly the Newfie jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and he goes downstairs.
 
The Newfie finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still  barking. What have you been doing?"
 
The  Newfie says, "I've put the dog in our yard.  Now let's see how THEY like  it!'

  :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 05, 2009, 02:34:29 PM
FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:


NUMBER 5:   They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4:  This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

Number 1: And MY all time Favorite:  best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
(Raising your head slowly) '...in Jesus' name, Amen
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: PHJ314 on October 05, 2009, 02:37:42 PM
....Sorry...I was waiting for Terrell Owens to catch a ball.....

OOOOOOHHHH!!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 05, 2009, 04:18:58 PM
....Sorry...I was waiting for Terrell Owens to catch a ball.....

OOOOOOHHHH!!!!

I hear ya!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on October 05, 2009, 06:38:05 PM
I OWE MY MOTHER (for everything)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 05, 2009, 07:12:39 PM
^^^ I heard many of those when I was growing up from both of my parents and I may have used one or two on my own children.   :D

It bad though when you use the "shut up and eat your dinner" and the kids AND husband start to snicker.  :icon_fryingpan:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 05, 2009, 10:08:22 PM
2. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

perhaps hyperbole rather than hypocrisy. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on October 06, 2009, 10:45:48 AM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have
sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up
the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled
back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
150 in about 3 seconds...'

I bought her a set of scales.

And then the fight started.....

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age... I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office..

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to me, 'I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, 'Your eyesight's pretty near perfect..'

And then the fight started.....
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on October 09, 2009, 12:37:31 AM
 :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on October 13, 2009, 03:26:53 PM
When girls don't put out!!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

...... .but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on October 13, 2009, 03:32:29 PM
A true classic!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 13, 2009, 04:18:46 PM
...... .but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.



Really??????????  Let's see which one can hold off the sex longer, then we'll see who's smarter.   :nod:   :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 13, 2009, 04:45:38 PM
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

...... .but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.


  :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
 :icon_bowdown2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on October 14, 2009, 11:53:26 AM
You win Classmate.  Women always do  :evil
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 14, 2009, 02:57:31 PM
You win Classmate.  Women always do  :evil

That is always a good thing to know Dags.   :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on October 19, 2009, 08:47:31 AM
A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.  He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.  Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 19, 2009, 12:31:03 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on October 21, 2009, 08:16:45 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on October 21, 2009, 12:18:39 PM
Grandma's boyfriend
  
 A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.   Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you  don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' 
 
 Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' 
 
 Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.  She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.  Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. 
 
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' 
 
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' 
 
 The minister fainted.
 
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 21, 2009, 12:42:26 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 21, 2009, 05:03:48 PM
Yes, that one made me chuckle.  I can actually see that happening.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on October 22, 2009, 03:56:55 PM
THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies - No.

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think?

His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think!

Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

She replies - No.
 
Johnny says - Do you know what I think?
 
His mom replies - Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school ..

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

His mom says - No.

He asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 22, 2009, 04:40:02 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on October 23, 2009, 01:01:16 AM
 :shock: :shock: :shock:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on October 23, 2009, 07:17:10 AM
Uh oh!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on October 24, 2009, 01:04:18 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
He is one smart boy
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 25, 2009, 04:02:47 PM
Didn't see that coming.   :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on October 26, 2009, 09:06:33 AM
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"






Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on October 26, 2009, 09:07:55 AM
Oh yeah and read this one

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock." 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 27, 2009, 07:03:41 AM
Some Halloween pumpkin inspiration:  http://deesinbox.com/2007/10/05/best-pumpkins/
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on October 27, 2009, 07:14:51 AM
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 28, 2009, 10:17:52 AM
CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss
says, 'You know something, Hung Chow , I really need you today. When I
feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung
Chow calls again. I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work
soon........You got nice house.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 28, 2009, 10:18:48 AM
WALKING EAGLE
 

Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation last weekend in Kitimat, B.C. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living.He referred to his career, and how he had signed 'YES' - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Liberal leader with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Ignatieff then departed, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to Ignatieff.


They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on October 28, 2009, 10:49:26 AM
ZEN TEACHINGS

1.   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.  In fact, just p*ss off and leave me alone.

2.   Sex is like air.  It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.   No one is listening until you fart.

4.   Always remember you're unique.  Just like everyone else.

5.   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.   If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10.   If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11.   If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12.   Some days you are the bug;  some days you are the windshield.

13.   Don't worry;  it only seems kinky the first time.

14.   Good judgement comes from bad experience...and most of that comes from bad judgement.

15.   A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16.   There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.  Neither one works.

17.   Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18.   Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19.   We are born naked, wet and hungry and get slapped on our ass....then things just keep getting worse.

20.   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 28, 2009, 11:58:05 AM
20.   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on October 28, 2009, 02:06:29 PM
It's Winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada 
I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on October 28, 2009, 02:07:55 PM
Love Story

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on October 28, 2009, 02:09:28 PM
Deaf  Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated
him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That
was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed
that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might
have to testify about in court.

When the  Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about
his missing $10  million, he brings along his attorney,
who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer
"Ask him where the $10 million  bucks he embezzled
from me is." The attorney, using sign  language,
asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
 
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says
he doesn't know what you're talking about." The
Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's
temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the
bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! OK! You win!
The money is  in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed
in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he
say?" The  attorney replies: "He says you
don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: sensfan1984 on October 28, 2009, 02:19:26 PM
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! OK! You win!
The money is  in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed
in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he
say?" The  attorney replies: "He says you
don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Awesome  :mrgreen:

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 28, 2009, 08:14:51 PM
A teacher asks her class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Sue raises her hand and says "Yesterday we went to my uncle's farm and the cows were very fascinating."  "Very good," said the teacher "except I asked you to use the word fascinate not fascinating."

Bobby raises his hand and says "When I look in the sky, I am fascinated."  The teacher said, "Again, a very good sentence except I want you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated." 

Johnny raises his hand and the teacher is hesitant to call on him as he is known as the class "smart mouth".  Finally with no other children raising their hand, she is forced to call on Johnny.

The teacher calls on Johnny who stands up and says, "My Aunt Sara just bought a new sweater with nine buttons on it but her t*ts are so big, she can only fasten eight."   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 31, 2009, 03:09:53 PM
Useful Military Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 31, 2009, 06:16:15 PM
http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/international/2009/10/29/fun.theory.piano.cnn.html

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 31, 2009, 09:42:30 PM
http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/international/2009/10/29/fun.theory.piano.cnn.html



That's awesome.

Useful Military Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

That is honestly printed on the M72 LAW (Light Anti-Tank Weapon) that Canada uses which Im sure is bought from the US. :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on November 02, 2009, 10:09:15 AM
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?''


"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

''What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a member of Canada's Liberal Party," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on November 02, 2009, 06:05:14 PM
A  Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the hell would you say?'

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on November 02, 2009, 09:43:57 PM
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?''


"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

''What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a member of Canada's Liberal Party," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."



Oh thats good - and I know the perfect people to copy and paste it for :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on November 04, 2009, 11:15:23 AM
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, had bought new shoes for her wedding. On the big day, they became increasingly tighter as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back. "I'm trying, darling!  But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you  --  with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy who served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on November 04, 2009, 11:19:21 AM
I'm not really concerned about swine flu.  Here's my big concern.

3 years ago was the Chinese calendar year of the cow...and we had Mad Cow disease.

2 years ago was the Chinese calendar year of the bird...and we had Avian flu.

This year is the Chinese calendar year of the pig...and we have swine flu.

However, next year is  the Chinese calendar year of the cock...

Anybody else worried now?   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on November 07, 2009, 05:02:55 PM
Some of these have appeared on other lists; a few are new to me:

The 36 Rules of Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: PHJ314 on November 09, 2009, 10:51:35 AM
To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.
For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.
I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
________________________________________
From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.
The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.
Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
________________________________________
From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
________________________________________
From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.
________________________________________
From: Helen Bailey

Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen
________________________________________




AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM HIS GYM....



________________________________________
From:Jeff Peters

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Membership Renewal
Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.
________________________________________
From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.
________________________________________
From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.
I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.
My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.
________________________________________
From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, Jeff
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.
I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.
He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.
________________________________________
From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Go f$*k yourself.
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.
As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.
If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.
There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.
I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.
________________________________________
From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Ok.
________________________________________
From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?
________________________________________
From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
The middle one.

 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: PHJ314 on November 09, 2009, 01:43:19 PM
You're Not Invited

At first glance, any normal person seeing this in their mailbox would be excited that they’d been invited to a party of some sort followed by crushing disappointment when this was not the case. Luckily for everyone here at Emails From Crazy People, David Thorne <http://www.27bslash6.com/>  is not that person.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew S
Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child’s party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew S
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew S
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don’t tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew S
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew S
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to – if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn’t have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon’s girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew S
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew S
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn’t everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan’s Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones – I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It’s the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don’t think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of ‘wouldn’t it be good’ to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don’t see you before tonight.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew S
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the **** are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew S
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won’t be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breathe in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived ‘through’ the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don’t own cars.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew S
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no **** 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the **** is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no **** fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus **** christ man.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
To: Matthew S
Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon’s girlfriend Cathy’s work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Regards, David.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on November 11, 2009, 08:12:11 PM
   1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
   2. Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
   3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
   4. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
   5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
   6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
   7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
   8. A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.
   9. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  10. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
  11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.
  12. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  13. The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  15. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
  16. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  17. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
  18. A will is a dead giveaway.
  19. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  20. A backward poet writes inverse.
  21. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  22. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  23. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  24. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  25. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
  26. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  27. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  28. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  29. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  30. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
  31. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  32. A calendar’s days are numbered.
  33. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  34. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  35. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  36. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  37. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  38. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  39. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  40. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  41. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  42. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on November 11, 2009, 08:41:05 PM
My favourites...puns... :A_laughing_matter:

Did you hear about the two guys shipwrecked on an small island?

They were so hungry...then they spotted a bacon tree.  One guy is sure it's a hallucination, but the other guy runs off to get some of the bacon.

When he comes back, he is cut and bleeding...spears and arrows in his back.

His last words..."It wasn't a bacon tree....it was a hambush".
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on November 11, 2009, 10:41:13 PM
Wow that's so bad, it's funny.   :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on November 12, 2009, 12:28:08 AM
 :duh :A_laughing_matter: :duh
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on November 12, 2009, 12:56:47 PM
That is honestly printed on the M72 LAW (Light Anti-Tank Weapon) that Canada uses which Im sure is bought from the US. :)

Surprised that they are still using these, they were in use when I was in the military and I was released 20 years ago.  You are correct that they are a US design.  They were the replacement for the US made bazooka after the Korean war.  They were also designated for replacement by the Viper in the early 1980's, until the Viper was scrapped late in 1983 due to it's many problems.  Even at the pace governments move at, I thought they would have found a suitable replacement by now.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on November 12, 2009, 04:09:19 PM
MacLean's University Guide

University is a voyage of self-discovery. You are about to learn so much about yourself—things like, “I had no idea I could grasp such complex scientific concepts” and “Oh, that’s where I left my pants.”

http://www2.macleans.ca/2009/11/12/campus-life-an-unauthorized-guide/
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on November 12, 2009, 06:41:24 PM
Funny - and true. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on November 16, 2009, 01:45:28 PM
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.  As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.  She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.  She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!  The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.  She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.  The man says, 'I'll be right over.'  Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.  The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.  The darn frog just SITS there!'

The man...looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE .. MORE ... TIME!!!'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on November 16, 2009, 02:14:55 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on November 17, 2009, 12:28:30 PM
Read the entire story!

 

 

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.   Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

 


The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same **** elephant.










This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on November 17, 2009, 12:41:13 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on November 17, 2009, 12:53:42 PM
 :icon_agree:  Oh god, THAT one is going out to several folks who do exactly that.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on November 17, 2009, 08:30:42 PM
haha, now that's gold right there!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on November 24, 2009, 06:59:07 PM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F*ck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on November 24, 2009, 07:37:01 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 03, 2009, 12:50:02 PM
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.   

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...




'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: sensfan1984 on December 03, 2009, 01:35:20 PM
What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They’re both in danger of being clubbed by Norwegians!

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between the iron or the wood.

Tiger just hates it when he drives and hits a tree.

Based on Tiger’s interests, his new product endorsements will be for Hostess.

This morning, his agent announced that the new nickname for Tiger will either be Cheetah or Lion.

His wife Elin told police that she went for a rescue wood, but it looks like she really went for the driver.

Did you hear that he inspired a new Kung Fu movie to be released? “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.”

Did you make it out of your own driveway safely this morning? Then you can say that you outdrove Tiger Woods.

Tiger just lost his endorsement with Gillette because now they can’t use his ad in which he says, “This was my closest shave yet.”

Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She’s teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

Tiger’s confused. Every OTHER time he made a hole-in-one, everyone was all happy about it.

Usually Tiger makes it onto the fairway, but he’s in trouble on this round because he put one into the bush.

Did you hear about Tiger’s last outing? He drove into a tree, then ended up with a bad lie.

What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger? Looks like it was a bitching wedge.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 350 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 03, 2009, 01:45:21 PM
Quote
Did you make it out of your own driveway safely this morning? Then you can say that you outdrove Tiger Woods.

Quote
Usually Tiger makes it onto the fairway, but he’s in trouble on this round because he put one into the bush.

Quote
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on December 03, 2009, 06:02:34 PM
These were pretty good.  These hi jinks (aka transgressions) will be the source of many good one-liners to come.  The higher they go, the longer the fall.   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on December 04, 2009, 10:22:46 AM
Leave it to small children to be honest
 
The children began to identify the flavours by their color:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
 
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on December 04, 2009, 10:38:17 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 04, 2009, 10:40:23 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 08, 2009, 07:23:30 PM
A Grandmother's Wisdom

A nice old story with a different twist - will make you appreciate family.

My grandmother died in the 60s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. ' And always remember this,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.


'Makes your dick look bigger.'


Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 08, 2009, 09:36:20 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on December 09, 2009, 07:05:48 AM
Grandma knows best!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 09, 2009, 05:04:24 PM
The Pope and Dalton McGuinty are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. McGuinty and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?  This joy will not be a momentary display, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

McGuinty replied, "I seriously doubt that.  With one little wave of your hand?   Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bastard.

 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on December 09, 2009, 08:39:05 PM
A  guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer  asked him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replied, "Yes - caffeine."

"Have you ever been  in the military service?"

"Yes,'  he replied. 'I did two combat  tours in Afghanistan. "

The  interviewer  said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he  asked, "Are you disabled in  any way?"

The guy said,  "Yes...an IED exploded near me  and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer  grimaced  and then said, "O.K.  You've got enough points for me  to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan to start at 10:00  A.M.. every day.."

The guy was puzzled  and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P..M., why do you want me to be here at 10:00 A.M.? why not at 8:00am?"

"This is a government  job," the interviewer said.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in  for that."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on December 10, 2009, 01:22:37 AM
The Pope and Dalton McGuinty are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. McGuinty and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?  This joy will not be a momentary display, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

McGuinty replied, "I seriously doubt that.  With one little wave of your hand?   Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bastard.

 


Hell, I cheered just reading about it.  :nod:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 10, 2009, 08:35:58 AM

"This is a government  job," the interviewer said.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in  for that."

 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:

Man, how true that is. :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on December 10, 2009, 12:53:36 PM
Like, for you premium coffee guys...

http://www.illwillpress.com/sml.html
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 11, 2009, 02:49:27 PM
This may or may not have already been posted.

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.  Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and

answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .'

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


 

'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 11, 2009, 03:55:48 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on December 12, 2009, 02:36:43 PM
(Apologies if this has been posted before.)

This is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50..........

"As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all.  Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?'  She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.  She does something SHE wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified.  They seldom, if ever, have a screaming match with you at the theatre or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest...  They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one.  You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.  For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.  Ladies, I apologize...

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'  Here's an update for you.  Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.  Why?  Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!!"

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 12, 2009, 03:18:45 PM
 ROSE:  :thumbsup:   :beer toast: :icon_applause2: :icon_applause2: :icon_applause2: :icon_applause2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on December 12, 2009, 03:32:32 PM
I thought you might like that one, classmate.   :nod: :playmates:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 12, 2009, 04:07:25 PM

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'  Here's an update for you.  Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.  Why?  Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!!"


 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on December 12, 2009, 04:09:17 PM
:A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:

You are one enlightened guy, Jason!! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 12, 2009, 05:31:36 PM
You are one enlightened guy, Jason!! :thumbsup:

Enlightened or a suck-up... :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on December 13, 2009, 07:31:31 AM
Enlightened or a suck-up... :laugh2:

I'll stick with 'enlightened' since I have no 'power' around this place!   ;)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: sensfan1984 on December 14, 2009, 11:46:35 AM
A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?'  She doesn't care what you think.
:laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on December 14, 2009, 11:50:21 AM
Ouch, that last one hurt rose!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on December 14, 2009, 12:18:44 PM
This is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50..........
 :thumbsup:
Mmmmm!  over 50 (http://www.zimbio.com/The+50+Sexiest+Women+Over+50/notes/1/The+50+Sexiest+Women+Over+50)
me too  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 14, 2009, 01:28:14 PM
Ouch, that last one hurt rose!

Truth hurt ya Bones???  :smily1263:

Mmmmm!  over 50 (http://www.zimbio.com/The+50+Sexiest+Women+Over+50/notes/1/The+50+Sexiest+Women+Over+50)
me too  :thumbsup:


Darn, they forgot to put my name on the list. But then I am just 50 not OVER yet  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 14, 2009, 02:05:26 PM
But then I am just 50 not OVER yet  :thumbsup:

That would put you in your 51st year, correct?   :icon_hiding2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on December 14, 2009, 03:18:12 PM
That would put you in your 51st year, correct?   :icon_hiding2:

You enjoy living dangerously, right?   8)

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 14, 2009, 03:34:22 PM
You enjoy living dangerously, right?   8)

I figure I can run faster scared than you can angry...least that's what I tell my wife...:A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 14, 2009, 03:48:14 PM
That would put you in your 51st year, correct?   :icon_hiding2:

 :evil
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 15, 2009, 02:45:45 PM
The teacher has turned in her  grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because  there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and  correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to  get out of here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before  Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher  said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open
his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's  right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary  answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for  you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.  Nancy answered first.

When the teacher turned her back, Johnny quipped, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The angered teacher turned and sternly asked, "WHO SAID THAT!?"

Johnny yells, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on December 15, 2009, 02:59:03 PM
I figure I can run faster scared than you can angry...least that's what I tell my wife...:A_laughing_matter:

Do you also believe it's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on December 15, 2009, 02:59:36 PM
Saw that one on another forum I frequent, I refuse to post TW jokes though.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 15, 2009, 03:40:21 PM
Saw that one on another forum I frequent, I refuse to post TW jokes though.

Was still funny though. :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on December 15, 2009, 05:45:52 PM
 :icon_agree:  Yes, yes it was.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 15, 2009, 07:38:32 PM
Do you also believe it's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission?
After 30 years, there isn't much left to ask forgiveness for... ;)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 15, 2009, 07:41:37 PM
Saw that one on another forum I frequent, I refuse to post TW jokes though.
I figure if he's dumb enough to do what he did, then he shouldn't be surprised when people make fun of his situation...ESPECIALLY if they are funny... :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on December 15, 2009, 09:11:35 PM
The higher they are, the longer the fall.  He portrayed such a clean-living image, no one should be surprised at the reaction. Now, if it was John Daly we wouldn't even be talking about it. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on December 15, 2009, 09:44:31 PM

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!   
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S.... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!


Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on December 15, 2009, 10:01:08 PM
AWESOME!!!  Just about dirtied myself  :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 15, 2009, 10:16:26 PM
 Oh man that was funny. 

I love this part....

Quote
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 15, 2009, 10:23:50 PM
Quote
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

 :A_laughing_matter:  :A_laughing_matter:  :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on December 16, 2009, 07:01:01 AM
I figure if he's dumb enough to do what he did, then he shouldn't be surprised when people make fun of his situation...ESPECIALLY if they are funny... :mrgreen:

Don't disagree, just I am burnt out on the whole TW sega.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 16, 2009, 01:37:14 PM
The budget-minded woman was always clipping coupons in the young, lean years when she was first married, and

even kept detailed records of how much money she saved. One of her first jobs way back then was running the

cash register at the local drugstore.  One day, she had a self-conscious young man approach the counter to buy

some condoms. She noticed a dollar-off coupon on the box and asked him if he’d like to use it, adding that she

and her husband had saved over $400 redeeming coupons last year.


The stunned young man replied, “On these?!”
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on December 16, 2009, 02:33:42 PM
AWESOME!!!  Just about dirtied myself  :mrgreen:

Oh I know - I've read it 5 times and it still makes me laugh   :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on December 16, 2009, 02:36:12 PM
The budget-minded woman was always clipping coupons in the young, lean years when she was first married, and

even kept detailed records of how much money she saved. One of her first jobs way back then was running the

cash register at the local drugstore.  One day, she had a self-conscious young man approach the counter to buy

some condoms. She noticed a dollar-off coupon on the box and asked him if he’d like to use it, adding that she

and her husband had saved over $400 redeeming coupons last year.


The stunned young man replied, “On these?!”


 :shock:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 16, 2009, 02:55:39 PM
:shock:

Oh ya, that would be a whole lot of  :fight:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 16, 2009, 08:07:51 PM
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? 
Santa stops at three Ho's. 

Sorry Bones.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on December 16, 2009, 11:33:02 PM
Tiger visits Santa and Santa goes Ho, Ho, Ho.... Tiger looks around quickly "WHERE!"

 :oh oh:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 17, 2009, 11:41:27 AM
Tiger visits Santa and Santa goes Ho, Ho, Ho.... Tiger looks around quickly "WHERE!"

 :oh oh:

 :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on December 17, 2009, 11:44:10 AM
How to be cruel to the old guys.

(http://photos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs069.snc3/13656_204663307915_508927915_3175694_1627936_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 17, 2009, 11:46:20 AM
Define OLD GUYS
Don't even try to define old women, though.  :paddle:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 17, 2009, 06:42:17 PM
And I'm betting Bones can't see anything past the third row either...not that I tried... :smily1263:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on December 17, 2009, 06:43:51 PM
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties. "Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on December 17, 2009, 08:38:59 PM
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1610699488?bctid=31812464001

Check this kid out.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 18, 2009, 08:33:34 AM
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1610699488?bctid=31812464001

Check this kid out.

 :A_laughing_matter:   Get that kid a real guitar.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on December 18, 2009, 11:56:59 AM
MH as a young 'un.  He'll never admit to country  :smily1263:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 19, 2009, 09:50:29 AM
Looks like Tiger Woods has given a new meaning to the saying, "Hi honey.  I just played 18 holes."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on December 20, 2009, 11:19:31 PM
Tiagra:


(http://beat.bodoglife.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/TIAGRA.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on December 21, 2009, 09:15:46 AM
Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on December 22, 2009, 01:42:38 PM
<you can read this one Bones!>



Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.



When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be **** if he needed glasses".

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on January 03, 2010, 02:34:00 AM
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa:  half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe:  well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece:  gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain:  with a glorious and all-conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel:  has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada:  self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, a woman becomes Tibet:  wildly beautiful with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iraq and Iran:  ruled by nuts.


THE END.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on January 03, 2010, 10:45:14 AM
Works for me!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on January 03, 2010, 11:05:47 AM
Works for me!

I'm sure it does....so simple yet so complete!   ;)

By the way, BB.....are we not doing predictions after the midway point of the season?  Or is Szuper away on a (well-deserved) holiday?  Just wondering........ :smily1263:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on January 03, 2010, 11:46:45 AM
Oh, good, it's not just me...was wondering why I couldn't find anything for today's game... ;)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on January 03, 2010, 02:50:06 PM
(http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u306/homeboss00/ObamaWoods.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on January 03, 2010, 02:52:07 PM
And only Tiger earned his prize!   :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 03, 2010, 03:24:15 PM
 THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter

is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on January 03, 2010, 03:25:20 PM
Hmmm - thought I might find the game thread under the joke thread today.  This game has been laughable!   :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on January 06, 2010, 02:13:02 PM
I'm sure it does....so simple yet so complete!   ;)

By the way, BB.....are we not doing predictions after the midway point of the season?  Or is Szuper away on a (well-deserved) holiday?  Just wondering........ :smily1263:

I'll inquire about that but also try to get a buffer of some threads going again.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on January 20, 2010, 08:25:03 AM
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No! no! mate, where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me.  Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the chinese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 20, 2010, 08:35:16 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 25, 2010, 11:47:12 AM
This is a real "Oh Crap" moment!



His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
 
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go .'
 
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low  passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
 
'Why?' asked the  pilot.
     
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded.  'And I need to get some close up shots.'
 
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?’

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 25, 2010, 12:53:55 PM
That's a great one!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 25, 2010, 01:40:08 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on January 28, 2010, 09:26:02 AM
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You *******!  It's three-fifteen in the morning!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on January 28, 2010, 09:40:43 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 28, 2010, 10:57:07 AM
A 5 year old boy was taking a bath when his mother walked into the bathroom.  The little boy looked as his mother, pointed to his balls and said, "Mom are these my brains?"  The mother looked at him, smiled and said, "Not yet son."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on January 28, 2010, 11:07:24 AM
A hot older gal about 45 is sitting at the bar. Young guy slides up next to her and starts a conversation. She says"How would you like to come back to my place for some mother-daughter action?" His imagination goes wild and he happily agrees. They arrive and enter the home, and boy is he all excited. Then she yells up the staircase "Hey, MOM, I got something for ya!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 28, 2010, 11:11:59 AM
A hot older gal about 45 is sitting at the bar. Young guy slides up next to her and starts a conversation. She says"How would you like to come back to my place for some mother-daughter action?" His imagination goes wild and he happily agrees. They arrive and enter the home, and boy is he all excited. Then she yells up the staircase "Hey, MOM, I got something for ya!"


 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on January 28, 2010, 11:34:23 AM
WOW...give a thread a bump, and a bunch of good ones crawl out... :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: sensfan1984 on January 28, 2010, 04:03:45 PM
Subject :   Smart Bartender
>
>A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
>The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
>"What's your IQ?"
>The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
>global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,
>environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and
>sexual proclivities The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is
>really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar,
>turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot
>serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
>The man responds, "about a 100."
>Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
>NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's
>breasts.
>Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
>one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
>What's your IQ?"
>The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
>And the robot says... real slowly... "So............... ya gonna .............vote ..........for the ........Liberals again?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 28, 2010, 06:25:52 PM
An Irishman walks out of a bar..... What it can happen.   :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on February 03, 2010, 12:11:10 AM
Why You Should Put Work Before Play
July 2nd, 2009

A total babe goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asks.

“Yes,” she replies. “You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.”

“That’s right,” says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer,” she replies.

“Correct,” says the doctor.

Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her.

“Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on February 03, 2010, 08:31:04 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on February 10, 2010, 08:56:13 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2WQoC8WpSU&feature=player_embedded

meow!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on February 10, 2010, 09:30:06 PM
Following OS' lead....

A total babe goes to the gynecologist.  Blond I might add.

"You have acute vaginitis" says the Doctor.

"Why Thank you!" said the blond.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on February 11, 2010, 11:12:14 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2WQoC8WpSU&feature=player_embedded

meow!

That's just creepy.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on February 11, 2010, 03:20:10 PM
Men  strike back!
How many men  does it take to open a beer? 
None. It should be opened when she brings  it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a  Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a  woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to  support you. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Why do women  have smaller feet than men?
It's one of  those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the  kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------  --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say  something smart?
When she  starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a  woman's watch?
You don't.  There is a clock on the oven. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women  can't shut up enough to
Build up the required pressure. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is  barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do  you let in first?
The dog, of  course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse  than a Male Chauvinist Pig? 
A woman who won't do what she's told 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss  Right.
I just didn't  know her first name was Always. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by  90%.
It's called a  Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die  before their wives?
They want to. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Women will never  be equal to men until they can  walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy.
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created  Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then,  neither God nor Man has rested. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on February 12, 2010, 02:27:42 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on February 13, 2010, 09:00:19 PM
Not So Dumb Blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on February 13, 2010, 09:13:46 PM
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson567.html
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on February 13, 2010, 09:29:12 PM
Gynecologist  or  Mechanic...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burnt out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on February 13, 2010, 11:41:18 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:     :icon_bowdown2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on February 14, 2010, 05:27:21 PM
SOME WORDS OF WISDOM FROM MAXINE

A man without a woman is a bachelor.  A woman without a man is a genius.

I get my summer glow from a bottle.  It says "Chardonnay".

Sure marriage can be fun some of the time.  Trouble is, you are married all of the time.

Why adopt a highway?  I already drive like I own the road.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Usually, the reason is that somebody screwed up.

Most stress is caused by three things:  money, family and family with no money.

Only on a cruise ship will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet.

If there is a tourist season, how come we can't shoot them?

I'd consider hormone replacement therapy but I've got a bunch of other things that need to be replaced first.

If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road.

Even doctors make mistakes.  Mine asked me to undress.

There should be support groups for women who can't put their dishes in the dishwasher dirty.

My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

The only way I'll drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

Homemade gifts are the perfect way to say "I've got lots more time than money".

I finally found an honest mechanic.  He honestly doesn't know how to fix anything.

What's the secret for keeping your figure?  Getting everything to droop at the same rate.

Let me know if you suddenly become interesting.

A household hint:  Stop dusting and you can use your coffee table as a message board.

Most of the people you see in lingerie stores you wouldn't want to see in lingerie.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on February 22, 2010, 09:51:45 AM


 

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
   

"Why do Scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"

 

To which the Newfoundlander replies:

 

"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the f****** boat" 

 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on February 22, 2010, 10:22:50 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on February 22, 2010, 12:39:37 PM
Good Ol Newf Jokes..


For those who are not aware, there is an openline show in Newfoundland called "Open Line with Bill Rowe" Below is a copy of a short discussion between the host (Mr. Rowe) and a classic good old Newfie.

Host - "Good afternoon caller who is on the line"

Caller - "It's Tom Mr. Rowe, how are you?"

Host - "I am fine Tom, So what's the purpose of your call today?"

Caller - "Mr. Rowe, did you hear that the R.C.M.P are sending 70 officers down to Cuba to help with the disaster"

Host - "You mean Haiti don't you Tom?"

Caller - " No, I am sure they said 70" 

The caller chuckled before hanging up!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on February 23, 2010, 08:38:12 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on February 26, 2010, 11:17:58 AM
What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students
 The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
 
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, 'Bubblegum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
 
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,..................... I got the last seven questions wrong.....'   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on February 28, 2010, 06:48:12 PM
 :spin:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on March 07, 2010, 12:25:39 PM
OXYMORONS


1.  Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2.  Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3.  If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4.  Why do we say something is "out of whack"?  What is a "whack"?

5.  Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6.  Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7.  Why do tug boats push their barges?

8.  Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" when we are already there?

9.  Why are they called "stands" when they were made for sitting?

10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

14. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

15. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

16. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

17. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

18. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

19. Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean when we use them?

20. Why do they call it a television set when there is only one in front of you?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on March 12, 2010, 07:33:52 PM
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and Are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that

women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 13, 2010, 07:53:37 AM
 :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 13, 2010, 05:29:23 PM
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson589.html
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 13, 2010, 06:19:37 PM
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson589.html
:A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on March 14, 2010, 01:04:40 AM
I love this one

http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson1.html
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on March 14, 2010, 01:39:15 AM
I watched the Sens game tonight... THAT was a joke.  :duh
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 14, 2010, 08:10:34 AM
I love this one

http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson1.html

That is a good one.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on March 15, 2010, 01:26:40 PM
(http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson2.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 15, 2010, 02:33:02 PM
^^^ Good to know.   :icon_thankyou:      ;)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on March 18, 2010, 01:52:47 PM
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,we simply continue to fly.......on a broomstick.
We're flexible like that.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 22, 2010, 07:42:43 PM
The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.  The following were some of the winning entries:

   1. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
   2. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
   3. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
   4. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
   5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
   6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
   7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavoured mouthwash
   8. Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver
   9. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon
  10. Flatulence (n.), an emergency vehicle that picks you up if you've been run over by a steamroller
  11. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
  12. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
  13. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood
  14. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
  15. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions
  16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
  17. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there

The Washington Posts Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

   1. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it
   2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
   3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex
   4. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
   5. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
   6. Karmageddon: End of the world due to a build up of bad-vibes
   7. Glibido: All talk and no action.
   8. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
   9. Intaxication: Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
  10. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

My favourite is Ignoranus
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 22, 2010, 07:52:47 PM
Just stumbling around the internet while listening/half watching the game

Some useful phrases to use as an Evil Overlord as given by Steve Meredith. These humorous cuts were originally listed as useful phrases to use around work but they probably only work well if you are a Evil Overlord(TM).

   1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
   2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
   3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
   4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
   5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
   6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
   7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
   8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
   9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.  (I like this one)
  13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
  14. How about never? Is never good for you?
  15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
  17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
  22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
  23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 22, 2010, 07:55:48 PM
The first 10 of 100 one-liners-


Top 100 funniest one-liners

1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.  hee hee

link to the rest:  http://www.smilespedia.com/top-100-funniest-one-liners-on-the-internet/
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 22, 2010, 09:50:55 PM
A short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, .........

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.................. .... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ...................... he farted.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on March 22, 2010, 11:36:15 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:  Awesome!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 23, 2010, 08:22:39 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on March 23, 2010, 01:08:15 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Northern Ontario and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the R.C.M.P. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 23, 2010, 01:55:40 PM
 :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 29, 2010, 07:41:50 PM
20 Hilarious Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week ...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f s h.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says," Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good). A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 29, 2010, 07:52:20 PM
I'm not sure whether this is neat or scary.....http://www.buzzfeed.com/cityeyes/wolf-hybrid-sings-to-a-crying-baby-181w?cb=1269464772424
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on March 31, 2010, 12:16:52 PM
Nothing personal against Blondes... I Love em  :thumbsup:

During a recent password audit, it was found that a

blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said

she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters


long and include at least one capital.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on March 31, 2010, 12:27:21 PM
Tiger Woods Sponsors

A man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as golf player, Tiger Woods.
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and he takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on Tour, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then he takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on Tour."
Then he drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
He replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 31, 2010, 12:44:00 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on April 08, 2010, 08:29:01 AM
A Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid?  You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."
You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porking away.
You are really a piece of work!  You are the most hated ******* cheater on the planet!
How can you live with yourself!
I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.
~Tiger
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 08, 2010, 08:46:40 AM
 :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on April 17, 2010, 08:58:42 AM
Miscommunication
>
> A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove
> the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on
> the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.
> So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he
> finished the note.
> About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was
> just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to
> investigate.
>
> Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way
> you want them to.

(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/PENisstuck.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 17, 2010, 09:55:04 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on April 27, 2010, 03:55:59 PM
Kids Are Quick
  
____________________________________

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
 MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
 CLASS:         Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:           You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER:     Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:         K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:     No, that's wrong
 GLENN:        Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER:    Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:     What are you talking about?
 DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
 __________________________________

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:      Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
 GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
 _______________________________________

TEACHER:      Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:           I is..
TEACHER:       No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
 MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
 LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand.   
 ______________________________________

TEACHER:   Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
 SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
 ______________________________

TEACHER:    Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir. It's the same dog...
 ___________________________________

TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 27, 2010, 06:22:28 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 11, 2010, 11:43:51 AM
(http://i138.photobucket.com/albums/q279/quirkyjessi/funny-pictures-kfc-chicken-stilts-f.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on May 11, 2010, 01:47:39 PM
 :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 14, 2010, 09:10:26 AM
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Rickman on May 14, 2010, 10:28:05 PM
 A wife wanted her husband to pay for some bigger boobs. His suggestion was to continuously wipe toilet paper between her boobs and they will get bigger!

Do you think it'll work, she asked?

 He said, well it worked on your ass!!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on May 25, 2010, 11:21:26 AM
The best bumper sticker I have seen read....."In case of rapture, this car will swerve as my Mother-in-Law takes the wheel.”

 :banana:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 28, 2010, 12:13:40 PM
I've seen some of these before, but still fun.


KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on May 31, 2010, 06:54:32 PM
Fact of Life:


After Monday and Tuesday,

even the calendar says W T F.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 01, 2010, 06:21:21 PM
http://wheelyboy.blat.co.za/files/lion-warning.jpg
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on June 01, 2010, 09:37:35 PM
http://wheelyboy.blat.co.za/files/lion-warning.jpg

:A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on June 01, 2010, 09:58:38 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:   :A_laughing_matter:   :icon_hiding2:  But I will likely take Mozambique off my 'must visit' list!! :nod:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 01, 2010, 11:45:03 PM
 :thumbsup:  Nice!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 02, 2010, 11:41:25 AM
An older gentleman was On the operating table
Awaiting surgery And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon, Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; Do your best
And just remember, If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 03, 2010, 06:35:55 PM
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you.” “Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Dianne is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hehehe,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 05, 2010, 05:01:02 PM
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair  Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't Use Any Punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
20. Copy this and Send an  E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..
It's Called Therapy...

 
   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on June 05, 2010, 06:08:15 PM
^  That actually had me chuckling out loud. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 05, 2010, 06:52:57 PM
Quote
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.


 :mrgreen: 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 06, 2010, 03:14:30 PM
You've got to see this...to kids, all things are possible.  I love it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4PHVvf-CZ8
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 08, 2010, 06:43:10 PM
Q: Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
A: One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 08, 2010, 08:11:24 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria  Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
            Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, Than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 09, 2010, 12:23:03 PM
Book  Report
 
Students at a high school were assigned to read 2 books,
 

'Titanic' and 'My  Life' by Bill Clinton. 

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:....  Cost - $29.99
Clinton  :..... Cost -  $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton   :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story  of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent  catastrophe. 
Clinton  :... The story of Bill and  Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent  catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving  artist.
Clinton  :...... Bill is a bullshit  artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good  cigar.
Clinton  :.... Ditto for  Bill.

Titanic:...... During the ordeal, Rose's dress  gets ruined. 
Clinton  :..... Ditto for  Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to  spit.
Clinton  :... Let's not go  there.

Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her  jewelry.
Clinton  :.... Monica's forced to return her  gifts. 

Titanic:...... Rose remembers Jack for the rest  of her life.
Clinton  :.....      Clinton   doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes  down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton  :.....  Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.   

Titanic:...... Jack surrenders to an icy  death.
Clinton  :..... Bill goes home to Hillary -  basically the same thing 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on June 09, 2010, 12:27:57 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Furtrader on June 12, 2010, 10:53:35 AM
JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and
a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on June 12, 2010, 11:31:49 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 12, 2010, 03:49:14 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 12, 2010, 05:11:07 PM
 :icon_agree:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on June 13, 2010, 08:20:21 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FBK on June 16, 2010, 03:03:10 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on June 17, 2010, 01:41:36 PM
What's the difference between a Grizzly Bear and a Soccer Mom ?
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Lipstick !!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on June 17, 2010, 01:51:38 PM
What's the difference between a Grizzly Bear and a Soccer Mom ?
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Lipstick !!


Which one wears more, just in case I see one or the other and can't tell them apart...
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 17, 2010, 08:30:19 PM
What's the difference between a Grizzly Bear and a Soccer Mom ?
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Lipstick !!


Sarah Palin is that you?    :smily1263:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 17, 2010, 09:12:50 PM
Business Vocabulary

404:   Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. Example: "Don't bother asking him. He's 404, man."

adminisphere:   The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

assmosis:  The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. You will all be measured on this at some point in your career.

blamestorming:   Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. This one will be particularly valuable to those of you who have projects going right now.

chainsaw consultant:   An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

clm:   Short lingo for "career limiting move". Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while she is within earshot is a serious clm. (Related to clb, "career limiting behavior".)

dilberted:   To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. For example, "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

flight risk:   Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

ohnosecond:   That minuscule fraction of time it takes to realize that you've just made a big mistake. (See also clm.)

percussive maintenance:   The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it working again.

salmon day:   The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to die in the end. We've had these before --- and will again.

seagull manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops all over everything then leaves. Another word for consultant.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on June 18, 2010, 08:31:48 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 19, 2010, 07:36:03 PM
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is, like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 23, 2010, 08:13:07 PM
Harvard Saling Team- Boys will be Girls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gspaoaecNAg&feature=youtube_gdata


Harvard Sailing Team- Girls Will be Boys

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paNiEdFTvuA&feature=channel
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on June 23, 2010, 09:15:28 PM
Guess it belongs here...NHL Awards...whoever the yahoos were, they just awarded the Vezeeena trophy... :duh
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on June 23, 2010, 09:20:48 PM
Harvard Saling Team- Boys will be Girls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gspaoaecNAg&feature=youtube_gdata


Harvard Sailing Team- Girls Will be Boys

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paNiEdFTvuA&feature=channel
:mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on June 25, 2010, 01:22:41 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlEO6qt69cs&feature=player_embedded

A great beer commercial.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 25, 2010, 10:42:09 PM
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
- Mark Twain         

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- Emo Phillips

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
- Hunter S. Thompson

If I owned both Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.
- Philip Henry Sheridan

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
- Jennifer Unlimited

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.
- Thomas R. Dewar

I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody who has a 9 percent approval rating.
- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a Democrat, referring to Vice President Dick Cheney

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
- Gilbert Chesterton

Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we".
- Mark Twain

If they could figure out a way to channel my anger, they could solve the energy crisis.
- Woody Allen

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
- Bill Hirst, found on from The Witty, The Thought Provoking and The Humorous Quotes site.)

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain

Hey, the way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne Arnold

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
- Homer Simpson

There are terrible temptations which it requires strength and courage to yield to.
- Oscar Wilde

Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
- Mark Twain

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.
- Wendy Wasserstein

All modern men are descended from wormlike creatures, but it shows more on some people.
- Will Cuppy

The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
- Samuel Butler

The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before.
- Gilbert Chesterton

The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.
- V.S. Pritchett

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on July 01, 2010, 11:19:49 PM
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like them!

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on July 02, 2010, 07:17:25 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on July 22, 2010, 08:39:56 AM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on July 26, 2010, 11:03:18 AM
Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk:

1.   Innovative
2.   Preliminary
3.   Proliferation
4.   Cinnamon


Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk:

1.   Specificity
2.   Anti-constitutionalistically
3.   Passive-aggressive disorder
4.   Transubstantiate


Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:

1.   No thanks, I'm married.
2.   Nope, no more booze for me!
3.   Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.   No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5.   Good evening, officer. Isn't it a lovely night for a drive?
6.   Oh, I couldn't!  No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7.   I'm not interested in fighting you.
8.   Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance.  I have no coordination.  I'd hate to look like a fool!
9.   Where is the nearest bathroom!  I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10.  I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 :drink:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on July 26, 2010, 08:01:28 PM
 :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on July 31, 2010, 01:58:13 PM
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN


DAMNITOL   -   Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours

EMPTYNESTROGEN   -   Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait until they moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT   -   Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO   -   Liquid silicone drink for single women.  Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL   -   When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pick-up trucks.

FLIPITOR   -   Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN   -   Potent anti-boy-otic for older women.  Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA   -   Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.  Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN   -   Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, telephone number or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT   -   A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators or at bus stops.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on August 06, 2010, 12:54:30 PM
The Journey of a Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.  When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. 

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 11, 2010, 09:09:54 AM
How do you make a hormone????


Don't pay her.   :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on September 11, 2010, 09:17:57 AM
 :icon_fryingpan:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 11, 2010, 01:43:51 PM
:icon_fryingpan:

Come on, you loved it...... :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on September 12, 2010, 05:17:59 AM
How do you make a hormone????


Don't pay her.   :mrgreen:

 roll your condom in sand before putting it on... :icon_vomit:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on September 18, 2010, 07:34:36 PM
Man falls asleep in church     

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.  I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on September 18, 2010, 07:53:16 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 19, 2010, 07:09:54 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on September 22, 2010, 08:45:05 PM
Zero Debt

In March 1992 a man living in Newton, near Boston, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.  He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away, too.  The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post.  He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.  However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.  The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.  Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day, the latest bill was yet another mistake.  So he ignored it, and trusted that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00.  The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00.  After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.  The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on September 22, 2010, 08:49:54 PM
Hiring Cannibals

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.   "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."  The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work.   However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.   Do any of you know what happened to her?"   The cannibals all shook their heads "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"  A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued.   "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.   But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 23, 2010, 09:21:28 AM
 :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on September 24, 2010, 07:47:07 PM
Joe Gets an Operation     
 
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches..."

"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half... wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure.." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 26, 2010, 06:36:18 AM
Doh  :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 09, 2010, 08:41:06 PM
Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally the guys' side of the story.

We always hear the rules From the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

11. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it your self.

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.

17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, football, cars or golf.

20. You have enough clothes.

21. You have too many shoes.

22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

23. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 09, 2010, 08:43:56 PM
I live by number 17...especially in my professional life.  The spousal unit commits number 11 all the time - don't ask a question if you already know the answer you want. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 10, 2010, 10:18:29 PM
Handy Guide for Men
By: Ophelia Payne

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t over-do it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine .
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 16, 2010, 02:35:13 PM
English is Stupid

There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why hasn’t the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down,
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers,
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all.)

That is why:
When the stars are out they are visible,
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts,
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 18, 2010, 10:32:06 AM
As I've matured...
Author: unknown

As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 29, 2010, 08:35:30 AM
Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 29, 2010, 11:34:14 AM
EXCELLENT.  I am married to an Electrical Engineer and my sons are electrical and mechanical engineers.  These could not be more true if you tried.    :ccclapping:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 29, 2010, 12:04:01 PM
That's funny. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 29, 2010, 05:56:30 PM
Meet The Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" she says.

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 30, 2010, 11:59:59 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on October 31, 2010, 02:28:50 PM
   1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
   2. A will is a dead giveaway.
   3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
   4. A backward poet writes inverse.
   5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
   6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
   7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
   8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
   9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
  10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
  15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  16. A calendar’s days are numbered.
  17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
  18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
  22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on November 02, 2010, 07:55:50 PM
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? -

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Can you cry under water?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
   
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on November 05, 2010, 03:37:18 PM
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
 
 
 The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
 
 
 So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.
 

 Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
 

 1)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
 
 
 2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 
 
 3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 
 
 4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
 
 
 5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
 
 
 6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
 
 
 7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
 

 8.)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
 

 9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
 

 10)  We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
 
 
 11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body."  He did not say,"Eat me."
 
 
 12)  The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
 

 13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
 


 14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on November 05, 2010, 11:22:15 PM
 :laugh2: 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on November 06, 2010, 12:02:32 PM
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..."

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?" Archie then asks.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on November 06, 2010, 03:35:35 PM
 :A_laughing_matter: I'll have to share the with my (Scottish) spousal unit.  He has two kilts.  I wear jeans. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on November 09, 2010, 04:19:39 PM
A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. dancing down the sidewalk while singing and is asked where he thinks is going at this time of night. The man replies,"I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on November 10, 2010, 03:24:47 PM
Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Oct. 3, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on November 10, 2010, 03:28:54 PM
You might want one of these  :icon_hiding2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on November 10, 2010, 08:34:37 PM
Can I sign up my wife?

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

She complains I "coast" too much when I drive, but I am not to say anything when "brakes" instead of coasting, and she doesn't brake lightly for gods sake!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on November 11, 2010, 06:29:37 AM
Can I sign up my wife?

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

She complains I "coast" too much when I drive, but I am not to say anything when "brakes" instead of coasting, and she doesn't brake lightly for gods sake!

We have the same "discussions" in my house. I also enjoy that the brakes on my SUV now last about a third of the mileage than they used to, and that my power steering pump is now going because of the amount of dry steering done in parking lots. How simple is the concept of "don't crank the wheel if the vehicle isn't moving"?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on November 23, 2010, 01:13:56 PM
Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
·        If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·        If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT
·        When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
·        When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
·        A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
·        A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
·        A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
·        The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
·        A woman has the last word in any argument.
·        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
·        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
·        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
·        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
·        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
·        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
·        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
·        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
·        A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
·        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
·        Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
·        Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
·        A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on November 23, 2010, 04:27:27 PM
 :fight:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on November 30, 2010, 10:17:27 AM
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
 
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
 
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
 
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
 
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
 
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
 
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
 
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on November 30, 2010, 10:28:05 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on December 02, 2010, 05:11:25 PM
 
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH
 
 
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
 
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
 
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
 
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
 
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
 
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
 
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
 
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
 
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
 
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants  to buy a car.
 
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
 
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.  It could be a right number.
 
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.
 
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
 
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
 
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
 
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
 
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
 
19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!
 
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on December 03, 2010, 01:09:23 AM
The Sens' game tonight. A REAL joke.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on December 03, 2010, 04:23:11 AM
The Sens' game tonight. A REAL joke.

Truly a joke, just not a funny one.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on December 03, 2010, 12:22:21 PM
A dirty joke played on the fans.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on December 03, 2010, 05:26:08 PM
The Sens' game tonight. A REAL joke.
I thought jokes were supposed to make you laugh.  The way they quit in the third period made me want to kick, scream, and cry.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on December 07, 2010, 07:15:24 PM
Murphy applied for a position as a fermentation operator at a famous Irish distillery based in Dublin .
A Polish guy applied for the same job. Since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a written test by the interviewing Manager.  When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland , and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."

 Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question you got wrong."

 Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "For question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 10, 2010, 11:19:35 AM
 :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on December 26, 2010, 12:59:00 PM
http://owni.eu/2010/12/15/still-life-bent-objects/

not a joke really but amusing nonetheless.  Great imagination. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on December 26, 2010, 04:56:53 PM
http://owni.eu/2010/12/15/still-life-bent-objects/

not a joke really but amusing nonetheless.  Great imagination. 
:mrgreen: Interesting
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on January 01, 2011, 04:45:19 PM
Hockey humour (sorta):  http://www.hockeyandbacon.com/avery/

Title: Sad News - The Pillsbury Doughboy
Post by: work2play on January 13, 2011, 04:23:55 PM
Sad news to report:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71 and rollin in dough.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Title: A Prayer for 2011
Post by: work2play on January 13, 2011, 04:26:03 PM
Dear God:
 
My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
 
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
 
AMEN!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on January 13, 2011, 11:25:43 PM
Amen!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on January 16, 2011, 02:14:42 PM
Hockey humour (sorta):  http://www.hockeyandbacon.com/avery/



I wonder if Avery has seen that!   :laugh2:
Title: Don't mess with Senior Citizens - The Hotel Bill
Post by: work2play on January 20, 2011, 04:54:31 PM
The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."




Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Rickman on January 24, 2011, 12:20:11 PM
This might already be here, but if not great!

A child is in front of a Childrens Aid Judge, after being beaten by his Dad.

The judge ask's if he could live with his mom?, but he said, she beat me too.  How about your grandparents?  they beat me too!

How about your Uncle & Aunt, replied the judge, to which he said they beat me too!

Well were can I put you?  The child thought about it and said, how about I live with the Leafs, they don't beat anybody!!!!!  :banana:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on January 24, 2011, 01:12:56 PM
This might already be here, but if not great!

A child is in front of a Childrens Aid Judge, after being beaten by his Dad.

The judge ask's if he could live with his mom?, but he said, she beat me too.  How about your grandparents?  they beat me too!

How about your Uncle & Aunt, replied the judge, to which he said they beat me too!

Well were can I put you?  The child thought about it and said, how about I live with the Leafs, they don't beat anybody!!!!!  :banana:

EXCEPT the Senators.   :(
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on January 24, 2011, 10:27:38 PM
EXCEPT the Senators.   :(

Doesn't work Classmate, the Sens beat themselves  ;) 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on January 31, 2011, 09:38:11 AM
The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
 
The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy."
 
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
 
He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy."
 
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
 
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
 
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Suzy said to the man, 
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
 
The man replied,  " Edinburgh ."
 
"Really," she said.  "I have family in Edinburgh  ."

"I know." the man said.  "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
 
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1.  Death
2.  Taxes
3.  Being screwed by a lawyer!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Johnny English on February 03, 2011, 02:41:44 PM
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Luigi is relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he manages to attract a spectacular young woman. Things progress to the point where he leads her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retire to his bedroom where he rattles her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asks with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She pauses for a second, frowns and replies, 'No.'

Surprised, Luigi reaches for her and the rattling resumes. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Luigi smiles and asks, 'You finish?' Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he is going to leave her unsatisfied, Luigi reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Luigi falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asks again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the woman whispers in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian.'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on February 03, 2011, 03:12:18 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on February 03, 2011, 04:56:46 PM
"he rattles her senseless"  REALLY????   :shake:

 :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on February 04, 2011, 11:47:02 AM
"he rattles her senseless"  REALLY????   :shake:

 :mrgreen:
Beautiful young woman sleeping with a middle age man who picks her up in a bar. 
One could argue that she was already senseless  ;)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on February 08, 2011, 10:02:31 AM
Adult Truths


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Google Maps really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on February 08, 2011, 12:56:02 PM
Funny stuff Jason  :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Rickman on February 10, 2011, 07:46:57 AM
Quote from Murray:

WE HAVE A PLAN!~
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on February 15, 2011, 09:26:56 AM
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat.....and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

Grandma, he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen and you were born in August, you dumb shit.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on February 15, 2011, 12:59:34 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:  ^^
Title: Paint My Porch
Post by: work2play on February 16, 2011, 05:37:58 PM
A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do..

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $100?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.  The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around this house ?'

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?  She can obviously see that."

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had some paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100, and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"Oh, and, by the way" the blonde added, "That cars not a Porsche, it's a Lexus".
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on February 17, 2011, 12:17:22 PM
^^Good one! :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on February 23, 2011, 09:44:18 AM
Dear Abby, 
I am a crack dealer in London, ON who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby junior high school.

My parents live in a suburb of Toronto and one of my sisters, who lives in Kitchener, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other
two sisters, who are prostitutes in Hamilton. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
Kingston for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his children.   
 
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Windsor and is  still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. 

All things considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. 
 
I certainly want to be totally honest with her.  Should I tell her about my cousin, who is a Leaf's fan???

 

Signed,
Bob

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Special J on February 23, 2011, 10:39:07 AM
No don't, otherwise you may find out your fiance is a Flyers fan.  That's if shaving her back didn't tip you off.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Rickman on March 02, 2011, 07:46:48 AM
QUIZ :

 

ARE YOU A MALE OR FEMALE?

NOT SURE?

HAVE A LOOK FURTHER DOWN TO FIND OUT...


>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


 

 


 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 


NOT IN THE EMAIL YOU  IDIOT

 

I worry about you sometimes.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 02, 2011, 10:19:02 AM
 :mrgreen:
Title: My Favorite Animal
Post by: work2play on March 02, 2011, 11:26:11 AM

My teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much.  I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the Principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the Principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...???
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 02, 2011, 12:13:42 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Easter Explained
Post by: work2play on March 03, 2011, 02:56:27 PM
Three  blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told  them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him  what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said  "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks  and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let  her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we  celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said,  "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde,  a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So,  tell me."

She said, "Easter is a  Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.  Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was  betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him  on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb  behind a very large boulder .. "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry  good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews  roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow,  we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter  fainted.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 11, 2011, 01:19:22 PM
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage , would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?
"Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot.."

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on March 11, 2011, 02:47:41 PM
Zdeno Chara and Max Pacioretty skate into a bar......
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 11, 2011, 03:11:17 PM
Zdeno Chara and Max Pacioretty skate into a bar......
Ouch, too soon man, too soon. :D
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 14, 2011, 09:14:02 AM

Quebec Explained

In a busy Parisian cafe, a tourist is sitting alone, enjoying a crème
caramel.  Another tourist approaches.

   "May I sit here?"

   "No problem...."

   "Thank you, very nice..."

   "Are you on vacation?"

   "Yes, I arrived yesterday..."

   "What country are you from?"

   "Norway. You?"

   "From Quebec."

   "Quebec? I don't know Quebec...."

   "Quebec... near the Atlantic, next to Ontario, the Great Lakes..."

   "No, I don't know these places."

   "Never mind then, I'm from Canada..."

   "Ah! Canada! Canada I know! So why you tell me you come from Quebec?"

   "Because, my first country is Quebec!"

   "Oh, you were born in Quebec and emigrated to Canada...."

   "No, no, I was born in Quebec and I stayed in Quebec..."

   "Oh, then your father is from Canada?"

   "No, no, my father, my mother, my wife, my dog, everybody, they come
from Quebec...."

   "So why you say Canada?"

   "For Christ sake, because you say you don't know where is Quebec!"

   "OK, but if you say you not know Norway,  I not say that my country is
Japan..."

   "Merde! Canada isn't Japan. Canada, it's my country."

   "Oh, your country not Quebec anymore?..."

   "My country is Quebec. But my country, it can be Canada too, if the
person speak to not know where is Quebec, Tabarnak!"

   "I don't understand..."

   "Look, it's simple: I come from the Province of Quebec, in the country
of Canada."

   "OK! But I didn't ask you what province you're from, I ask you what
country. Me, I come from Lofoten region in Norway, but I answer you Norway
when you ask me what country I come from..."

   "I know, I'm not stupid, Calisse! But me, when they ask me what country
I come from, I answer Quebec. Even if it's the name of my province. For me,
it's my country."

   "Oh, now I understand.. You are a separatist, you want your Quebec
province to be your country..."

   "Are you crazy, Hostie? I don't want to know nothing from that sh*t!"

   "I do not understand anything anymore."

   "I tell you before, it's simple! You ask me what country I come from, I
answered Quebec because Quebec is my country, but I don't really want it to
be my country, it would be too much trouble.. I just want to say it. So, why
don't you just let me say it?"

   "I'm all mixed up. You have passport from what country: Quebec or
Canada?"

   "CANADA, Hostie!"

   "So why you not tell me Canada right away?"

   "Because it don't feel right. For me, Canada is Anne Murray, the Calgary
Stampede, the Mounted Police, SARS, it's not my home all that. Home, it's La
Famille Plouffe, Seraphin Poudrier, La P'tite Vie, Felix Leclerc, La Poune,
Les Canadiens de Montreal, Les Bougons... Do you understand???"

   "Less and less..."

   "Listen, forget all that sh*t. Ask me another question."

   "OK, what town you come from?"

   "Mmm..., I don't know anymore..."

   "You not know what town you come from?"

   "Yes, yes, I know what town I come from, but my town it merged with
another town, but soon it is going to demerge from the town that was
supposed to be my town..."

   "Oh, that very complicated! When you write your address, what do you
write?"

   "I don't know anymore. Before, I used to write Hull, but Hull changed to
Gatineau, but they tell us to wait 3 years before stopping to write Hull to
not mix up the mailman. But now, the Liberals they pass a law that make it
OK for Gatineau to be Hull again, but I don't know if we have to wait 3
years to be able to write Hull, or when the 3 years are passed, if we have
to write Gatineau for 3 years, and after we write Hull. Unless, of course,
the PQ come back in power and we remerge with Gatineau, then we'll have to
write Gatineau for 3 years."

   "I'll leave now;  my head hurts..."

   "It's so simple Tabarnak: My town is Hull, my country is Quebec. But if
you prefer, my town is Gatineau and my country is Canada."

   "OK, I think I understand!"

   "It's about time. Anyway, it was fun talking to you, if you come around
where I live; maybe you come and see me..."

   "OK, but where? Hull in Quebec or Gatineau in Canada?"

   "You're a pain in the ass. Forget the whole thing. "

   Is everything clear now?




Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on March 25, 2011, 08:15:14 PM
Sarcastic Remarks

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of frigging sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a frigging people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet !!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like dogs too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un-Screw You!
51. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
56. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
61. This is a mean and damned cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
63. Earth is full. Go home.
64. Is it time for your medication or mine?
65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
67. I plead contemporary insanity.
68. And which dwarf are you?
69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72. It ain't the size, it's... no, I'm sorry, it really is the size.
73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on March 27, 2011, 05:36:10 PM
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on April 03, 2011, 06:22:37 PM
(Apologies if this has been posted before....I just saw it today for the first time!)

WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES

1.   The later you are, the more excited  your dogs are to see you.

2.   Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3.   Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4.   A dog's parents never visit.

5.   Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6.   You never have to wait for a dog;  they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7.   Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8.   Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9.   A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I die, will you get another dog?"

10.   If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11.   A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12.   If a dog smells another dog on you they don't get mad.  They just think it's interesting.

13.   Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14.   If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: momr on April 03, 2011, 06:57:59 PM
15.  If you lock your dog in the trunk of your car, when you open it he will still be happy to see you :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on April 04, 2011, 12:09:29 AM
15.  If you lock your dog in the trunk of your car, when you open it he will still be happy to see you :)

 :icon_agree:   :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Rickman on April 04, 2011, 11:38:59 AM
Ok, back to the oldtimers jokes!

An old couple go see the doctor and the doctor asks the old lady for a stool sample and a pee sample.

Confused, she asks her husband what the doctor asked for, and the husband say's: he wants your panties!  :bag:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on April 05, 2011, 10:11:43 PM
    Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
    The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
    A few clowns short of a circus.
    A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
    An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
    A few beers short of a six-pack.
    Dumber than a box of hair.
    A few peas short of a casserole.
    Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
    One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
    One taco short of a combination plate.
    A few feathers short of a whole duck.
    All foam, no beer.
    The cheese slid off his cracker.
    Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
    Has an IQ of 2, takes 3 to grunt.
    Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
    Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
    He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
    An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools.
    As smart as bait.
    Chimney's clogged.
    Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
    Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
    Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
    Forgot to pay his brain bill.
    Her sewing machine's out of thread.
    His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
    His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
    If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
    Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
    No grain in the silo.
    Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse..
    Played football without a helmet.
    Receiver is off the hook.
    Several nuts short of a full pouch.
    Skylight leaks a little.
    Slinky's kinked.
    Surfing in Nebraska.
    Too much yardage between the goal posts.
    Strong, like Bear... Smart, like Tractor.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on April 05, 2011, 10:44:43 PM
My favourite.....Half a bubble off plumb.    :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Rickman on April 06, 2011, 07:38:30 AM
Leafs actually thought they were going to make the Playoffs!!!!!!   :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on April 06, 2011, 11:44:12 AM
   Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
Makes former US President G.W. Bush look like a scholar.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Sasquatch on April 06, 2011, 01:57:22 PM
Ok, back to the oldtimers jokes!

An old couple go see the doctor and the doctor asks the old lady for a stool sample and a pee sample.

Confused, she asks her husband what the doctor asked for, and the husband say's: he wants your panties!  :bag:

gross  :icon_vomit:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on April 12, 2011, 01:02:02 PM
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/sports/hockey/leafs-beat/leafs-on-verge-of-vying-for-stanley-cup-wilson-says/article1981247/
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 13, 2011, 09:28:34 AM
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/sports/hockey/leafs-beat/leafs-on-verge-of-vying-for-stanley-cup-wilson-says/article1981247/
:A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on April 13, 2011, 11:00:28 AM
A friend of mine had just opened a new Store in Japan
At first things were a bit shakey but then the Customers started Flooding in.
Now the store has glowing reviews


 :icon_hiding2:


ok ok...I know...  :icon_hiding2:  :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: butterfly_style on April 13, 2011, 11:06:49 AM
A friend of mine had just opened a new Store in Japan
At first things were a bit shakey but then the Customers started Flooding in.
Now the store has glowing reviews
 :icon_hiding2:
ok ok...I know...  :icon_hiding2:  :mrgreen:
Sorry Dags, can't laugh about this.
I have friends in Japan right now,  whom are struggling severely.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on April 13, 2011, 11:31:57 AM
Sorry Dags, can't laugh about this.
I have friends in Japan right now,  whom are struggling severely.

As do I...sorry
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 25, 2011, 02:18:35 PM
While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and  champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.

Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..

Today you voted.'
 

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on April 26, 2011, 09:38:48 AM
 :icon_agree:

Some or all of these may have been posted before but just in case there are a few new ones for some of us...

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy .
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on April 26, 2011, 10:28:05 AM
Quote
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.


I just thought I had a mind like a steel sieve.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 26, 2011, 03:16:53 PM
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in British Columbia when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament from Ottawa ", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment bought with my tax dollars trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....

Now give me back my dog.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 27, 2011, 08:13:58 AM
The Arrogance of Authority    

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! 
No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....               

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE !!!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 29, 2011, 10:19:09 AM
OLD BUTCH  

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this Spring, the bells are not always audible.

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 29, 2011, 10:24:25 AM
 A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and  told the
 sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth  wedding.
 "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and  color
 dress are you looking for?
 
 The bride to be said; "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
 
 The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this  the
 wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate  for
 brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit  more
 innocent, if you know what I mean. Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be  nice?"
 
 
 "Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's  directness, "I
 can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe  it or
 not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time  bride.
 You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died  as we
 were checking into our hotel.
 
 My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on  our
 way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately  and never
 spoke to each other again."
 
 What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
 
 That one was an NDP candidate," said the woman, "and every night for  four
 years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was  going
 to be, but nothing ever happened."
Title: What is a calorie?
Post by: work2play on May 06, 2011, 03:39:40 PM
Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE BUGGERS!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on May 06, 2011, 11:19:21 PM
Glad to know I'm not the only one with such an infestation!  :bag:
Title: Simple Explanation of Baseball
Post by: work2play on May 12, 2011, 06:27:42 PM
Simple Explanation of Baseball


This is a game played by two teams, one out, the other in.

The one that's in sends players out one at a time to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out, it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times, the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Sasquatch on May 20, 2011, 02:32:25 PM
I couldnt even read that all......
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on May 23, 2011, 09:32:00 AM
I read it out loud to my husband and when he stopped laughing he said the funny thing was that he could follow it and it made sense.  (Need to have the eloquent and deliberate delivery by me to make it work)   :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on May 24, 2011, 11:30:51 AM
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior . ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green….and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the hole!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

‘You missed the f#ckin’ putt, didn’t you?’
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on May 24, 2011, 12:31:31 PM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 24, 2011, 03:54:08 PM
Saw this in a sig and got achuckle.

"I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on May 25, 2011, 09:37:18 AM
MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES
ATD - at the doctor.
BFF - best friend fell.
BTW - bring the wheelchair.
BYOT - bring your own teeth.
FWIW - forgot where I was.
GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA - got heartburn again.
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
LMDO - laughing my dentures out.
OMMR - on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL - talk to you louder!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on May 25, 2011, 10:21:27 AM
Welcome back, Crusty!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on May 25, 2011, 12:49:01 PM
Been lurking mostly...work too busy.

Retired two weeks ago, so I have a little more time on my hands... :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 25, 2011, 01:38:48 PM
Retired two weeks ago, so I have a little more time on my hands... :laugh2:

Nice, enjoy!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on May 25, 2011, 04:03:02 PM
Been lurking mostly...work too busy.

Retired two weeks ago, so I have a little more time on my hands... :laugh2:

Well, we're glad to have you back. Congrats on the retirement.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on May 25, 2011, 04:43:34 PM
Nice, enjoy!

Wish I could...first thing on the honey-do list was a flagstone walkway...laying about 300 square feet...not sure if I will live to see it finished... :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 25, 2011, 10:32:11 PM
Wish I could...first thing on the honey-do list was a flagstone walkway...laying about 300 square feet...not sure if I will live to see it finished... :mrgreen:

Condo, Condo, Condo!  I'm about 10 years away from retirement but my wife and I are both in synch with that.  My Mom has a great setup, townhouse condo, reasonable fees and she and some friends took control of the board about 15 years ago and whipped everything into to shape.


Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Rickman on May 26, 2011, 07:47:25 AM
Condo, Condo, Condo!  I'm about 10 years away from retirement but my wife and I are both in synch with that.  My Mom has a great setup, townhouse condo, reasonable fees and she and some friends took control of the board about 15 years ago and whipped everything into to shape.

Ok I know this is way off topic of a joke thread, but do you think townhouse condo is better than apartment size condo??  I've been toying with that idea myself! Townhouse is a lot less traffic and you still don't have to shovel right???

apartment condo, you have underground heated garage, pool, weigt room, sometimes a great view!
Downside, too many people in one building!

Waddya think???







Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on May 26, 2011, 08:05:28 AM
Ok I know this is way off topic of a joke thread, but do you think townhouse condo is better than apartment size condo??  I've been toying with that idea myself! Townhouse is a lot less traffic and you still don't have to shovel right???

apartment condo, you have underground heated garage, pool, weigt room, sometimes a great view!
Downside, too many people in one building!

Waddya think???

The one common misconception is that people view condos as a certain type of building when it's actually an ownership type.  And of course they vary considerably.  The condo building I live in has 16 units,  4 floors.  Some buildings can have 160 units, rooftop patios, gyms, parking, shops, etc.. while like you said some can be townhomes, etc.

It all depends on your lifestyle and what you are willing to shell out to have the amenities included in your condo fees.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 26, 2011, 09:21:18 AM
It seems like the condo horror stories you hear about are the high rise condos with underground parking lots.  The big thing is to check the finances and the reserve fund, I believe there is a required disclosure document in Ontario.   

Like Jason said, it's a lifestyle decision.  I would like the townhouse since it gives good space, an "own home" feel  with minimal common spaces that require expensive maintenance.  How many people really use the pool and gym in a complex?   
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on May 26, 2011, 09:22:35 AM
A Little Golf Story

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moley, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the otherside."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,
drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning.
My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Rickman on May 30, 2011, 11:07:30 AM
It seems like the condo horror stories you hear about are the high rise condos with underground parking lots.  The big thing is to check the finances and the reserve fund, I believe there is a required disclosure document in Ontario.  

Like Jason said, it's a lifestyle decision.  I would like the townhouse since it gives good space, an "own home" feel  with minimal common spaces that require expensive maintenance.  How many people really use the pool and gym in a complex?  
The one common misconception is that people view condos as a certain type of building when it's actually an ownership type.  And of course they vary considerably.  The condo building I live in has 16 units,  4 floors.  Some buildings can have 160 units, rooftop patios, gyms, parking, shops, etc.. while like you said some can be townhomes, etc.

It all depends on your lifestyle and what you are willing to shell out to have the amenities included in your condo fees.

2 valid points to consider!  :thumbsup:

Ok, back to the jokes....
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Broken Bones on June 05, 2011, 02:34:35 PM
I believe there is a required disclosure document in Ontario.  
 

Yes, there is a package your lawyer requests from the condo corp for review to be sure there are not any anomalies for the bank providing the mortgage.  You then get a copy on closing.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 05, 2011, 07:54:01 PM
Yes, there is a package your lawyer requests from the condo corp for review to be sure there are not any anomalies for the bank providing the mortgage.  You then get a copy on closing.

You get to review the package, not just your lawyer?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on June 05, 2011, 08:21:38 PM
You get to review the package, not just your lawyer?
Your lawyer reviews it and keeps a copy of the actual Status Certificate.  You get the entire package plus a copy of that.

As for jokes, let's get back to that shall we? Or have a mod make a topic for this discussion and remove these posts from the joke thread. :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Sasquatch on June 11, 2011, 09:52:31 PM
This thread isnt funny anymore
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on June 11, 2011, 10:11:34 PM
Alright, this isn't a joke, but rather something funny I heard at work Friday. There's a girl pregnant with twins, and she's about 7 months in. As she got off the bus, getting in to work, she feels some wetness going down her leg... Turns out the water bottle in her backpack broke.

She said her heart skipped a few beats on that one.  :laugh2:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 11, 2011, 11:18:59 PM
Alright, this isn't a joke, but rather something funny I heard at work Friday. There's a girl pregnant with twins, and she's about 7 months in. As she got off the bus, getting in to work, she feels some wetness going down her leg... Turns out the water bottle in her backpack broke.

She said her heart skipped a few beats on that one.  :laugh2:

 :A_laughing_matter:  Das a freak out.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on June 12, 2011, 06:37:23 AM
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on June 14, 2011, 02:29:34 PM
 It's not difficult to make a woman happy ...

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

Without forgetting to:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

And at the same time, you must also:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

And, most importantly:

54. Never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
 


How To Make a Man Happy ...

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on June 17, 2011, 02:02:32 PM
I made it to #3.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on June 24, 2011, 01:50:12 PM
A lawyer boarded an airplane in Halifax with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Toronto, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me crabs in Halifax, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.
 
Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Small Town on June 25, 2011, 09:11:35 PM
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland , UK
________________________________________
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4.. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE… NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on June 28, 2011, 12:51:32 PM
A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. 

The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!"

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again  cheers "RUN RUN!"   The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. 

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."  

The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and  screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!" 

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls." 

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on August 15, 2011, 09:26:19 AM
In pharmacology, all drugs have two=2 names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on August 15, 2011, 10:59:22 AM
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for..

   

The officer says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
   

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
 

Officer responds,
"Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
   

Lawyer:
"Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
 

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

 

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"


"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

 

"Aggressive and hostile?"

 

"Yes, Sir.”


"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"

 
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on August 20, 2011, 06:17:56 PM
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street..."
Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on August 20, 2011, 09:00:47 PM
Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Is it wrong that I found this one hilarious?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: playertobenamedlater on August 21, 2011, 11:07:42 AM
Is it wrong that I found this one hilarious?

I hope not, because I did too.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on August 24, 2011, 08:06:33 PM
 The USGS has determined that the epicenter of the earthquake yesterday was in a cemetery just outside of DC. The cause appears to be all of our founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

Too true!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: OS on September 08, 2011, 09:59:15 AM
    A LESSON TO BE LEARNED BY ALL!

Understanding Derivatives -A Primer


Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit .

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS.

These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AA" "Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?
       
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on September 28, 2011, 07:26:17 PM
For all my Canadian friends.  How's the view from over there.   :smily1263:

(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/classmate77/313238_2353168395853_1449450171_32594001_1162151069_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on September 29, 2011, 08:02:50 AM
 :thumbsup: :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Johnny English on September 29, 2011, 09:24:31 AM
   A LESSON TO BE LEARNED BY ALL!

Understanding Derivatives -A Primer


Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit .

etc etc etc

Now do you understand?
       

It's cute, but it's wrong.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Special J on September 29, 2011, 07:35:04 PM
(http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s13/specialj99/organic-food.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 03, 2011, 09:27:17 AM
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day. As they walk, they come across a sign "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
 "I am entering!" said Snow White.
 After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
 "First Place" said Snow White.   They continue walking and they see a sign, "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
 "I'm entering," says Superman
 After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
 "First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"   They continue walking when they see a sign, "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
 Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
 "What happened?" they asked.
 "Who's Dalton McGuinty?" asked Pinocchio.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on October 03, 2011, 03:32:42 PM
When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day.

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive gator."

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors-man!"

"No ," I replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: classmate on October 18, 2011, 12:33:37 PM
Safety First -

As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way  home from an event in the past.
 Well, I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out  for dinner and had a few drinks with some friends. After having far too  much vino I did something I’ve never done before... I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise,  inasmuch as I have never driven a bus before.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 20, 2011, 09:05:34 AM
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" " Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven... or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Special J on October 20, 2011, 09:36:44 AM
(http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s13/specialj99/man-killed-to-death.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on October 20, 2011, 09:48:25 AM
 :A_laughing_matter:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on October 24, 2011, 02:34:57 PM
At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married women please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was crushed to death.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on January 28, 2012, 03:50:56 PM
Dear Noah:
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving until 5:00.

Sincerely,
Unicorns


Dear Twilight fans:
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.  Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely,
Logic



Dear Icebergs:
Sorry to hear about the global warming.  Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear Yahoo:
I've never head anyone say, "I don't know.  Let's Yahoo it!"  Just saying....

Sincerely,
Google



Dear Girls Who Have Been Dumped:
There are plenty of fish in the sea.....no, wait!  They're all dead.

Sincerely,
BP


Dear jf;lksfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvdmv.xhn.

Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder



Dear Nickleback:
That's enough.

Sincerely,
The World


Dear Scissors:
I feel your pain...no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,
Sarah Palin



Dear World of Warcraft:
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere


Dear Batman:
What was your power again?

Sincerely,
Superman



Dear Customers:
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies


Dear World:
Stop freaking out about 2012.  Our calendar ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy.  Okay?

Sincerely,
The Mayans



Dear iPhone:
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words.  You piece of shut.

Sincerely,
Every iPhone user


Dear Giant Spider on the Wall:
Please die.  Please die.  Please die.  CRAP!!!!  Where did you go?

Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash:
At least you get picked up....

Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore



Dear Man:
It's cute.  But can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,
Elephant


Dear Dr. Phil:
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.

Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper


Title: Redneck Lent
Post by: work2play on February 23, 2012, 05:55:26 PM
Redneck Lent

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic'. Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish'.
Title: Longest Nerve In The Body
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on March 02, 2012, 10:08:42 AM
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: rose on March 02, 2012, 10:33:18 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:   ^^  Thanks!  I needed that!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 10, 2012, 09:08:48 AM
HARPER'S CHAUFFEUR . . . .

 

Steven Harper was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.
Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, and

they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.


Harper says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'


The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.


'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Harper.


Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered,

hair ruffled with a big grin on his face..

 

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Harper.


The chauffeur replies:

'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey,

the wife gave me a slap-up meal and

the daughter took me upstairs and made love to me.'


'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Harper.


'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them,

“I'm Steven Harper's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass.”

Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: BlindDruid on April 10, 2012, 09:46:57 AM
 :A_laughing_matter: :A_laughing_matter:   Good one.....
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 18, 2012, 08:20:31 AM
You know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their business...
 
When you have endured as much as you can stand, you can now get your own back!
 
After a busy day, Eric settled down in his train from Paddington to Cheltenham. He hauled out his mobile and started up,
"Hi, darling, it's Eric, I'm on the train.
Yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30, but I had a long meeting.
No, not with that floozy you keep on about but with the boss.
No, darling, you're the only one in my life.
Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Etc., etc.
 
This was still going on at Swindon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Eric, turn  that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 26, 2012, 09:25:35 AM
OK ladies..... Its just a joke.....

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were at the least 60-65 men walking single file.

I respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss. This may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've lived in County Cork all my life and I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on July 11, 2012, 08:30:09 AM
 A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.
 
"Willis, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish! Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything.  By the way, where is she?"
"She's under the cart!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on October 29, 2012, 11:11:05 AM
WAY to quiet around here...might as well post some jokes... :)
 
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
 
 As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
 
 "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
 
 "I haven't got an erection," I replied.
 
 "No, but I have," replied the nurse.
 
 Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on October 29, 2012, 12:58:27 PM
 Another one...can you tell I am bored?
 
Newfoundlander walks into a Nfld. library and says to the librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, I wants a book on suicide.'
 
 To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'F**k off, you won't bring it back!'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Dagwood on October 29, 2012, 03:51:59 PM
Bored?? No..not you.  Myself, I'm getting ramped up to watch this seasons Figure Skating and Gymnastics..... :popcorn:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on October 29, 2012, 03:55:44 PM
Can't even watch Battle of the Blades!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on October 31, 2012, 12:40:37 PM
  No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
 
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: work2play on November 08, 2012, 06:06:30 PM
A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT


A self important college freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.  "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one" the young student said loud enough for others to hear.  "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon.  We have nuclear energy, ships and cell phones, computers with light speed ... and many more."


After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows.


"you're right son.  We didn't have those things when we were young ... so we invented them.  Now, you arrogant little shit what are you going to do for the next generation?"


The applause was amazing!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on November 09, 2012, 03:28:01 AM
Anyone who's been to a rock/metal concert in recent years will get this.

(http://a.yfrog.com/img875/3073/93yvpu.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on November 09, 2012, 09:53:51 AM
 Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
 The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
 "Eight," the boy replied.
 The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
 The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: FV on January 03, 2013, 03:33:38 PM
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?

I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit”, and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on January 04, 2013, 01:04:53 AM
I watched the Canada-US game earlier. Now THAT was a joke.
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on April 02, 2013, 12:05:27 PM
A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm  fine?'  asked the solicitor. 
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 
'I didn't ask for any details',  the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' 
Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.  I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.  He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.  After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 
'Now wot da fock would you say?'
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 02, 2013, 12:33:13 PM
 :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Jasonf6 on April 30, 2013, 01:09:06 PM
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History. Who said 
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
   
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright 
foreign exchange student fromJapan, who had his hand up: "Patrick 
Henry, 1775," he said.
 
"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for 
the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
 
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
   
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more 
difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your
 country can do for you, but 
what you can do for your country'?"
 
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. 
Kennedy, 1961."
 
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of 
yourselves.
 
Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows
 more about our 
history than you do." 
 
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs." 
 
"Who said that? I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded. 
 
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
 
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." 
 
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"
 
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 
1991."
 
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" 
 
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the 
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
 
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you 
say anything else, I'll kill you!"
 
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael 
Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
 
The teacher fainted.
 
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 
"Oh shit, we're screwed!"
 
Little Akio said quietly, "Albertans, 'if' Justin Trudeau wins the 
Liberal leadership and gets elected PM".
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on June 28, 2013, 02:09:40 PM
Way too quiet around here... :mrgreen:
 
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
 He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
 He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?
 She answers...
 
 THE TEETH!
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: Metalhawk on June 28, 2013, 02:18:58 PM
Uh, eww?
Title: Re: Joke Thread - post them here
Post by: CrustyOldGuy on September 05, 2013, 01:34:49 PM
STILL to quiet around here... :P

Bob, a young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times.  His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story.  An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
 
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there.  The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions.
 
Bob asked farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest?
 
Farmer Dick replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep.  We all formed a posse and found it.  After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
 
“I can’t print that,” said Bob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, “Yep.  One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl.  We all formed a posse and found her.  After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.”
 
Again Bob knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack.  He asked Farmer Dick, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
 
Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once".